You in Your Face

I feel like I have more Sertraline than I should have. Like, 5 or 6 pills too many. It makes no sense, because it’s very rare for me to miss taking one. I must just have my dates mixed up.

I went to Walgreens this morning to collect my refills, and spent a long time poring over the notebook display. I feel as though I want some new notebooks, scribble pads, anything paper based. Except I have no need for any of those items. I have a stack of them already, and plenty of completely fresh ones.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Then I had a hard time getting back to sleep this morning after M left. It doesn’t really matter, I guess. Today is an easy day for me.

It’s funny (and annoying) how quickly things pile up on me. Just little things like my tax payments, bill payments, life admin shit. I’m trying to get things in order today, along with doing some work for Tracy. I really shouldn’t be dealing with her stuff on my days at home, but I can’t help it. I’m so much more invested in her than I am in my other work.

Ernie and I had a fight this morning. I was sipping my drink and he barked ferociously at someone walking by outside. Which happens constantly, because we live in apartments. It’s not a threat. He knows this. So I spilled green gatorade all over myself and hit my teeth with the glass (one of my greatest fears is breaking a tooth in exactly that manner). I peeped through the peephole in the door, nothing to be seen, as expected. I turned and told Ernie to quit it, he barked again. Told him to quit it, he barked again. I pointed at him and got real menacing, quit it. That usually does the trick, but he looked right at me and barked again. I tapped him on the ass and he growled and showed me his teeth. THAT’S IT. I directed him to go and sit on his bed in the bedroom. He wouldn’t go, still growling at me. I told him again, and he finally went, but he sat on his bed and stared down the hallway at me at my desk for a good ten minutes before turning his back to me and going to sleep. I let him sulk a while, then when he came out for a drink of water, we went on a walk. I’m sure you were all riveted by this exciting chapter in my life.

Do you realize that my mother will be here in about nine weeks? I’m still dreading it. Most of the dread is for silly reasons, like I’m fat, I’m worried about spending ten days walking, walking, walking and my body being a total wreck. She doesn’t know about any of my health issues other than my migraines. I’m paranoid about what she’s going to think about my apartment - ridiculous, because my apartment is twice the size of her HOUSE. M wants to buy a newer car before she gets here, does he realize how soon she will be here? She’s going to want to meet my boss. She’ll be embarrassing about so many things, like the food, the Spanish-speaking, everything.

I need to just cool it. Stop worrying about worst case scenarios. Maybe I’ll be proved wrong.