Been a little bit since I was here. Things are steadily on the insane side.
My Ward has gotten sober and fallen off the wagon 3 times now. She’s drying out for the 4th time in some youth homeless shelter downtown. That’s 4 times since January. The problem is she is so hopelessly hooked that she can only stay off the hard drugs for 2 weeks before she goes running back. Her piece of shit mother has no sense of urgency, and no real willingness to help. She wants to absolve herself of the guilt of the thing she has created, but she doesn’t want to put in any of the work to right the things wrongs she’s done.
I’ve been acknowledged in my ward’s eyes as her parent. That’s a little strange, but it’s sadly, probably the best thing that’s ever happened to her. Too bad I don’t have more resources to help her. More than once she has called up, a hopeless wreck, on the streets with all her worldly possessions, and howling about how she has no idea what to do, and I’m the only thing close to a parent she has, and what the fuck should she do?
What the fuck indeed.
I know what needs to happen. I’ve done it before. I’ve seen it many times before. I know many versions of this story, most of them don’t have happen endings. Sadly, I also know the odds of her story, they are also not good. In fact, that’s a big reason I’ve invested as much time and effort in her as I have. I’ve seen so many others die or fade away, and now probably dead, with decks no where near as stacked against them as hers is, and she’s still here.
I just hope she comes home soon.
My mate had to go through surgery a few weeks back for kidney stones. They run in his family and this would be the 9th time he’s had to pass a stone, but the first time that surgery was required. I fought tooth and nail to be with him during the whole thing, and it was one of the few things in the last month that went on rails. I really should be put in charge of more things, everything goes so much smoother and easier when you just let me plan ahead.
Speaking of planning ahead, I am also the maid of honor for a long time friend who is getting married in August. That means I gotta do the bachelorette party, and the wedding is in Tahoe.
Also, between now and my birthday, here’s all the major events:
Kevin’s renaming ceremony
Mate’s birthday
Gay Pride
4th of July
Mate and I’s anniversary
Wedding
Birthday
Throw in a bridal shower, which is unscheduled, and a bachelorette party, also unscheduled, and this is fucking insane. Top this off with many missed work deadlines and it’s madness. Please don’t let this be the time that drives me fully crazy. Yesterday I yacked, laughed and sobbed, all at the same time.
Athena tells me it’s time for another tattoo. I already know what I’m getting, now I just have to get to the shop to do it. This weekend we’re renaming Kevin to Dean, and I have a ticket to a show, and my roommate’s business is having their anniversary party too. This is just Saturday, by the way. I guess that means Sunday will be Tattoo and Zen.
I’m going to have to force myself into it, but it’s gotta happen. My brain chemicals have been all sorts of unpredictable and wonky for the last two and a half weeks. I chalk most of it up to my on going insanity and stress. I’ve been hiding in my house because I don’t want to know what’s coming. I know by now this will make no difference, it just puts it off and probably makes it worse while I’m not looking, but when one is being bombarded from all directions with so many things where factors are not accounted for, you take the lull. You nap, you try and rest, you don’t go looking for the fight because you’ve been fighting for so long.
I find it really funny, to jump rails and hop to a mostly unrelated train, how I am more parental than most parents I know. I think this is because of my curiosity for human nature. I want to know, and find it fascinating to understand, why people do and act the way they do. How do you build a human being? How you do you build an animal? How do certain kinds of humans wind up the way they are? These are questions I find fun and interesting, so I’ve done a lot, and I mean A LOT, of research on human development and such. I’m certainly not saying I’m a brain-scientist, but I’d say I have a better than average understanding of how human beings react under certain circumstances.
My mate has a 4 year old daughter. I understand on a fundamental level what a 4 year old needs; structure, routine, clear and firm boundaries, and acknowledgement of their self is what 4 year olds need. It pains me when I see the child of my mate being sacrificed needlessly for the wants of their other parent. Often I want to step in and correct broken thinking, bad habits, horrible dependency, but I hold my tongue. My mate hasn’t made it clear and known to the other parent that I’m here to stay, and the last person I want the other parent to hear that from is her child. The last time that happened… well, it was so not good that I had to listen to the “discipline” through the window, along with the rest of the birthday party. I know this is in no way the same scenario, and it’s mostly my irrational lizard brain talking, but it keeps crawling around.
Haven’t heard from or talked about my kid yet. My mom left it off at regrouping after she got out of school. That’s June 9th.
So, in the last 3 weeks I went from My Ward on the couch, to Canon, tif and Canon’s girl KJ on the couch, to now rando con-girl who’s mostly here for my roommate on the couch (though she’s mostly in his room). My mate is going off with his kid and the other parent for camping for a week, and we rename Kevin to Dean tomorrow.
This is my life.
Loading comments...