honey in The eye of every storm
- May 31, 2016, 3:36 a.m.
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- Public
I got Katrina a job at Major Airline. Well, that’s not true. Let’s back up. Katrina got herself a job at Major Airline, in my department. This all happened when I was out for my surgery, so I wasn’t there to train her.
It didn’t work out.
I’m watching someone I love spiral out of control into an endless depression. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to do. I just know it’s going to hold for now, until the levy breaks and a tidal wave of fear and pain will wash us away.
I don’t know why I write words here. They don’t matter.
The situation is much worse than the paragraph I granted for its discussion. It fell apart because I wasn’t there to train her. It fell apart because her fibro wouldn’t release her. Sometimes, like yesterday, she was DVRing an episode of Blue Bloods, and I told her we’d seen this one, and then scene by scene what happened in the next thirty seconds. She’d swore she’d never seen it, like this was a brand new exciting show. Her memory is failing.
And they’ve got her on Cymbalta and Xanax, and gabusomethingoranother- just so much shit I can’t even pronounce, and I don’t know what it does, and I don’t know what to do.
She’s twenty fucking five. No twenty five year old woman should be dealing with this much difficulty.
Between me and you, sometimes I think I can’t handle it. Between you and I, secret keeper, I want to run away. The person I’m supposed to marry, the person I love, I sometimes just want to quit my job, and just move somewhere again, and just start over.
I’m not going to do that. You know me better, I think.
We haven’t had sex since March. That’s not her fault. That one is mine. I don’t have the drive to do it anymore, and I also don’t know how to explain that I just dont feel like it, yes, for months. Something is off in my own head too. i drink too much, and probably need to go to rehab or something. i don’t drive or make terrible decisions or beat the pets or become mean. I just stumble around, slur my words, and make jokes that are really funny to me. I’ll drink 6/8ths of a 750ml bottle of Wild Turkey in one night and am fucking surprised to wonder why my synapses aren’t firing eight hours later when I wake up.
I called out sick for work tomorrow. I went to bed at 10:00, with the intention of waking up at 04:30, but I can’t shake the fever, the withdrawals, the foxes in the garden, and the wolves at the window. I’m out of the pain medicine for my leg. I’m walking again, unassisted, except with a cane that was made for me by a coworker.
Ironically, I also got promoted to Senior Crew Scheduler at Major Airline. It’s going to be a big pay raise. I know that should make me happy, but i don’t know how to adult anymore. I don’t think I ever did. It’s just strange that I miss three months of work, came back, took a test and got a raise and a promotion.
Anyway.
There’s no more adventure. I keep swinging my hand through the swarm of bees because I want honey on my table. I can’t understand why they’re stinging me, but I’ll do what I want, and I’ll do what I please, and I’ll do it again until I get what I need.
My hair is getting long:
Also, i wrote a song and made a demo, trying to recruit a band. I’m terrible at singing, but you can listen to it if you want to.
https://soundcloud.com/user-171698721/sets/yeah
Lying There Awake music and lyrics by me
All our problems on nightstands
Next to scattered ‘someday’ plans
Let’s just leave it there ‘til mornings’ light
We’ll clean it up another night
Whispered memories fading
All our loves ones we’re grading
The little things I do are wrong
Will be right when you are gone
I counted the blessings
How I counted the blessings
Down and out, I’ve been punched out,
Go ahead and wheel me out
The smaller pieces are breaking
All this love gone to hating
The monster that we’ve become
Will do harm to everyone
Say your prayers and brush your teeth
We can taste them grinding
Tuck you in and pour you out
We’re legionnaire’s, your fear and doubt
Night’s trapped with awakening
We stop the dreams you’re making
The time has come you’ve set the mood
We’re singing hallelujah
All things are possible…
Last updated May 31, 2016
nothispenelope ⋅ May 31, 2016
wow.
i have a soundcloud too.
=bernard= ⋅ May 31, 2016
If you want to know what's going on with her you're going to have to act as her advocate. You're going to have to ask a lot of questions regarding her condition. Talk with her ask if she knows why she has to take the meds that were prescribed for her, talk to her doctor if she can't tell you. Ask him what the likely prognosis is for her. AND make sure you get an answer. If you don't understand the explanation ask again until you do understand what's going on.
About the sex thing I wouldn't be too concerned about that I suspect neither of you have the energy for that, you sound exhausted. I bet if you were both well rested you'd have the urge. Jon, I'm sorry, really I so very sorry you two are going through this.
Deleted user ⋅ May 31, 2016
you are so damn gifted when it comes to music and writing, and a multitude of other things I'm sure. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. are you two still proceeding with an August wedding? you don't sound stressed enough, if you are. :) but really, you deserve all the good things.
Lauren debacle ⋅ May 31, 2016
I love you. If you need to talk or yell I'm all ears.
Waiting For Sunrise ⋅ June 01, 2016
"I keep swinging my hand through the swarm of bees because I want honey on my table. I can’t understand why they’re stinging me, but I’ll do what I want, and I’ll do what I please, and I’ll do it again until I get what I need."
... I love this...
I understand that urge to run away from everything that should mean something. Maybe the lack of sexual energy in your relationship at the moment is because you're taking on more of a "carer" role as she struggles with her health... try to take care of yourself, too..