Back in Black in My Unpredictable Life ...

She lives … physically at least … mentally, not so much …

I can’t even remember the last time I wrote here. I just know it’s been forever and a day.

Most of you keep up with me on FaceBook so you all know what’s what in Sassyville.

For those that aren’t forced to suffer me on FaceBook, well let’s see …

I’m still at the same hotel. I celebrated my 2 year anniversary back in April. Why I am still there remains a huge mystery. Aside from the paycheck that is. I hate working there most days and I dream of something better. But I hate change, I really don’t want to start over from scratch. The pay is decent. Better than the other hotels in the area pay, that is for sure. But most days the pay does not make the job worth it. I have no one to blame but myself.

The Child is growing up so fast that I’m scared shitless. She just finished 8th grade with all A’s (as usual) and will be a Freshman in the fall. PEOPLE’S!! I will be a Mom to a High Schooler! How the fuck did that happen??!!!! She is on her last red belt in karate. Next will be brown and then black. Seriously? She just bridged to a Senior Cadet in Girl Scouts. I remember when she started out a Daisy. Her trumpet skills are phenomenal. She made the High School Jazz band. Plus she will be doing the marching band. She’s reading on college level. She’ll be doing 11th grade math. And taking french. French? The hell? At least she decided to not do volleyball and basketball this first year, “So I can learn how to be a high schooler and I really don’t want to overwhelm myself with too much on my plate” she says. Hell Child, what about my plate? LOL So yeah, the older she gets, the less sleep I get lol.

Hubby and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary back in Nov. I still want to murder him most days. Anymore, I think we only stay together to rub it in to all the nay sayers who said we’d never last. And to continue to piss my Mom off.

I decided back around Christmas I was tired of being fat. So shortly after the new year I started making changes. Nothing drastic. Just better choices … for example, instead of a Big Mac meal, I’ll order a regular hamburger and grab a few of Hubby’s fries. I gave up Mello Yello’s (again!). And I started walking on the treadmill. Again, nothing drastic, just 30 mins here and there a few times a week. I had bought a Fitbit over Thanksgiving. It really helped in keeping me motivated and on track. Not to mention the friends that keep asking to me to join challenges lol.

Then work decided to have a Biggest Loser contest so I figured, meh, why not. The draw back was that each week, those that gained any weight had to pay $5. So I decided to be more conscious and from Feb. 1 to May 23 I lost a total of 16.2 lbs (I had lost 6 lbs. before the contest started so I’ve lost a total of 22 lbs) and ended up winning the competition. The grand prize was a $150 gift card and whatever money was in the pot from those that had to pay the weeks they gained. I ended up with a grand total of $370. Talk about surreal! Because everyone had so much fun and it was a success for those that participated - aside from the 4 individuals who weighed more at the end than they did at the beginning - they’ve decided to start it back up on June 6 till the end of September. I don’t mind walking away with more money lol.

So my reason for being here, on Prosebox … I’m in a bad place, People’s. I’m hoping by giving up any free time/sleep and coming here will help get me back to where I once was. Or at least close enough. I know I will never be the same. There’s no way to ever go back to the way it was before. I’m having to learn how to be a new, a different Sassy, and I have no idea where to start or how to even begin. I don’t want to be new, different. I liked the way I was. But a huge part of who I once was is gone and holy hell but I don’t want to learn how to live my life, any life, with out my Daddy. But here I am …

Those that have been following me since OD (circa. 2004) have heard me talk about my Daddy battling cancer. He began his cancer journey in Dec. 2000 and it finally came to an end May 6, 2016. I’ve known that he would eventually lose the battle. I’ve prepared for it. I’ve been on standby for “The Call” for almost a year. I was ready to see him finally at peace, no longer suffering, no longer in pain. I’d had it all planned in my head … they would call me after he had passed, I’d make my plans, I’d travel home, yada yada yada. I was prepared.

“Hello?”

“Hey. It’s Bobby.”

“Hey.”

“Mama told me to call you to let you know that Daddy is in transition.”

“Transition? What does that mean?”

“He only has a matter of hours left … at the most. His breathing is shallow, he’s waiting a long time between breaths. He’s unresponsive.”

“Uh, okay. So what do we do?”

“There’s not much we can do. Except wait for him to take his last breath.”

“I … I, uh … I don’t even really know how to respond to this.”

“I know. Me either.”

“Okay” I take 2 deep breaths “Can you take the phone back there to him and hold it up to his ear so I can tell him I love him once last time?”

“Yeah, hang on” … listens to him get up from the chair … walk down the hallway … mumble something to someone “Go ahead, Sassy”

“I love you, Daddy …“

And then he takes a deep breath … and then I hear my Stepmom start crying hard.

My Daddy was gone.

I never once dreamed that I would be the last voice he heard. I thought I still had hours to adjust from it being ‘any day now’ to any hour now. Not right then and there.

It was as if I was standing right there, next to his bed. And oh God, I was so unprepared for that. That last deep breath will forever haunt me …

I can’t imagine a life that does not include my Daddy. But here I am … living the unimaginable.

And I don’t even know what to do with myself.

I tried articulating it to FaceBook but I guess it is still too soon for there to be any sense of healing … So many times I’ve wanted to pick up the phone to hear your voice. You have always been just a hug or phone call away. When something was bothering me, I could tell you all about it and without fail you always had the same advice to give, regardless of what was on my mind … “Don’t worry about it; it’ll be alright. It ain’t nuttin’ but a thang.” Like that time we lived in Sumter & tornadoes were on the air base and I was so scared because Hubby & The Child were on base. And I was on the phone with you, in my hallway under blankets and pillows so, so scared. And just as calm as you please you were telling me “Don’t worry about it; it’ll be alright.” And I was so mad at you for being so calm about it. But in the end, you were right. It WAS alright because even though the tornado touched down near to them, they were alright. And now, when my heart hurts so much, and I need to hear your words to help me, you are no longer here to say them. I know you are in a better place, and I know you are no longer suffering, and I thank God for that, but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. Learning to live a life that no longer includes picking up the phone to hear your voice, to vent my frustrations, to hear, “Daddy loves you, Doll Baby” is going to take some time. In the meantime, I just hope I am strong enough to endure the time it will take to adjust to you being gone. I love you, Daddy and I miss you so, so much.

In all my preparing for his death, I forgot to prepare myself for life after he was gone … how to survive missing him so much …