Recent therapy appointments have been very helpful. My therapist has a lot of experience with trans people but not much with someone who is genderqueer like me. We have talked about how she often tried to encourage people to commit to their gender and live it 24/7 without retreating back to the safety of the previous gender. This is less straightforward for me since I identify as both genders.
I repeated to her what I had told my husband, which was that if someone was going to mistake me as either male or female, I would want it to be male. I've clearly been working on acting and appearing male more than I have been trying to appear genderqueer, mostly because I want to be perceived as not-female more than anything else right now.
She threw out the suggestion that perhaps I do just identify as male. We discussed that for a while and I can understand why she might see it that way. Right now I do want to identify as male. I just don't see that as a permanent thing. Sometimes I want to be masculine and sometimes I want to be feminine.
She asked me if I want to be perceived as a woman when I am feeling feminine and I said no. I really don't ever want to be perceived as a man OR a woman. I just realize that most people don't acknowledge there are other options. And when someone sees me as a woman I just feel like they are not noticing that I don't identify as one. But when someone sees me as a man, at least they can tell I am not identifying with the gender of the body I was born with.
I understand that it's complicated. It seems to me that even my husband just sees me as a man, not as genderqueer, but I'm working on that. I think this has been a chance for him to finally embrace his gay side that he has been squelching for so long
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