What a difference a year makes in 2013

Exactly one year ago today, whilst home for Christmas holidays, I decided to go out in Abergele with my friends who lived there, including a man who I had dated 10 years before, Jonny. He had always held a torch for me and I'd had a cheeky stolen kiss with him on a few occassions over the years. I decided I wouldn't stay at his because it might be a bit awkward and I wasn't sure if it would go that way. I've always liked him and its nice to know there's someone who always fancies you but I often felt a bit uncomfortable about it, like, I loved him but I didn't fancy him back. So I arranged to stay at another friends house who lives just a couple of houses down and who is one of his best friends, we're all friends here! We met at Jonny's house before we went out and he looked good. He'd lost loads of weight and just seemed happier and healthier and it was really nice to see him. It was lovely to see all of them. Tom, my ex, had hated me going out in Abergele when we were at home together, he didn't like me going anywhere where there were people he didn't know. So I hadn't seen these guys in 2 years and it was so lovely to just laugh and have fun and feel like I was myself again. So much of that time was just getting back to being me again, I hadn't realised how much of me I had lost. So we laughed and drank and went to the pub and I got drunker and flirted more and touched his knee under the table and leant against him and eventually, in a highly unlike me move, I leant over and whispered in his ear that, erm, he should probably take me home. Phnarr. Dirty bitch. Considering I hadn't had a sex drive for about 3 years this was quite an interesting development! And so he laughed and grabbed my hand and we made our ridiculous and obvious apologies and we left!! And we went home, and we didn't have sex (I'm so glad) but we had fun. We talked and touched and laughed and did things that people do in the dark. But it wasn't awkward or weird and I didn't feel detached from it like I had before. It was marvellous and strange and wonderful.

I thought it was just a rebound thing I guess, a bit of comfort. He made me feel beautiful and loved and I needed that more than anything, more than I ever had. I was worried I would hurt him, I was worried he would fall into it more than me and I would hurt him all over again like I did before. What I did* not * expect to happen was for me to fall in love with him. To fall in love so quickly and so totally that now, a year on, I have changed my entire life to be with him. I didn't think I would ever leave Cardiff. I certainly did not think I would leave to move back to Abergele and live with Jonny and make my life here. But even as I am writing that it makes me smile, because here I am, and I am so happy.

The last year has flown by, and as my Mum said when I told her it was our anniversary today, the six months before that year were so miserable and they seemed to drag, being happy changes everything. And it has changed everything. I feel like me again. I feel like a me that I wasn't sure existed. Everything is not perfect, I am not perfect, I still get anxious and panic. But I can love, and be loved and dream about the future and want sex and love and marriage and babies and I thought that was all completely gone from me. But its not, it is very much in me and I owe so much of that to him. I hope it feels like this forever. I hope we love each other like this forever and that it just keeps getting better. Whatever has happened before, it has all been worth it to end up here.