Cold Feet in Caution Change Ahead

I’m sitting at the kitchen table and sun in streaming in through the blinds, but my feet are freezing. It’s like 21 degrees in here, but I still feel cold. I’m hoping this coffee will warm me up.
It’s March 29th. Ive been off work for a month now - I have one month and a couple of days to get my shit together. I really haven’t done anything in the past month to help myself. I’ve been wasting time and I’m frustrated with myself for that. Where exactly have I spent my time?! I’ve watched a lot of Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve slept a lot. That’s all I can come up with. I wake up every day and think “today’s the day”, and every day I fail myself with more procrastination and excuses. My thoughts are so complicated. I want to start to make healthy changes, yet an equal part of me thinks “what’s the point” - if I can’t change everything I want to overnight. Ugh, I irritate myself.
My plan for today is to walk to the library and take my books back - they are only 5 weeks overdue afterall. I also need to clean just one thing in my house. One thing. I want to clean it all - everything from top to bottom, but that’s a) impossible to do in one day and b) OVERWHELMING. My therapist, even Rob, say just one thing - get one thing done and that’s one thing crossed off my list and one thing to feel good about. I guess I have to start somewhere. Today I will clean the entry way. It’s a clusterfuck of clutter right now. There are still boxes of Christmas decorations in the entry way for crying out loud. So, it will be a start, and it will be hard for me. Just the thought of cleaning this small space makes my skin crawl with anxiety and impatience. I have to push that little voice that is screaming “what’s the point?! The rest of the house will still be a pig sty” far far away. How did I end up with such a fucked up way of thinking?! If I had a nickel for every time I have looked up to the sky and asked “why me?!” I’d be a rich, rich girl.
In other news....I met my SIL and Niece for coffee yesterday while they were in town doing some shopping. It was nice to catch up. I wish we had more time actually. Time with my family reminds me just how little time and interaction I do have with my family. Spending time with my family also made me realize how little my family actually knows about my mental health and made me wonder - should I share more? I often feel guilt for not being totally honest with my family, even with my friends, but this type of illness is so hard for some people to understand and accept. I feel like there are only 2 people in my family that I would benefit from being honest with - my SIL and my cousin. The problem with opening up to my SIL is the feelings of betrayal against my mom that I would feel since she hates her so much and to talk to my cousin…I just feel like she has enough to deal with on her own. I don’t know. I lead a double life. Especially right now - my mom doesn’t know that I am not working, so each time I talk to her I lie about working and the guilt that I feel is heavy. She just doesn’t understand and I’m done with the feelings of judgement (perceived judgement?!) I know she wants me to be happy but saying things like “what do you have to be sad about” or “just don’t worry about it” don’t help me. The rational part of me counters that with “who cares what she says or thinks!” So complicated.
Well my feet are still cold, so maybe it’s time to get them moving and go out for a walk. The sun is bright - I hope to absorb some of that and push out some of the darkness that has taken up residence within me.
Until next time.