single mom blahs in (W)hole

today has been a little too much for me.

I wasn’t looking forward to easter, I dont really LIKE easter, as atheists we really are never too big on easter. It’s just sort of socially expected, the kids get all kinds of easter talk at school and daycare and they expect it, we do the easter bunny, and I hide eggs full of candy. I spent probably $100 on easter this year, new buckets for baskets and little trinkets and toys for the kids plus candy. It honestly felt like more work than fun this year, and maybe it was just my attitude about it but that is exactly how it feels.

Im also feeling really anxious about school starting back up tomorrow, I really don’t want to go back to work. Im spent, I need summer. I need friends and people who love me and time spent with adults. I need to be around people who actually care about me. I have nobody here, even Amy and I have sort of lost touch, and she was my ONLY friend here in the first place. I just feel sort of.. lost and aimless.

I think this year teaching has taught me a lot of important stuff, though, and I definitely know what I’ll do differently next year. However, I’m pretty much 99.99% positive that my principal wont renew my contract, and that basically means I don’t have a job past August. I’ll get one last paycheck in August, and then I’m unemployed.

I’ve been applying for openings in Wyoming, but I haven’t finished my certification packet for Wy yet. I have heard exactly NOTHING from all of the positions I’ve applied for, not a single email or response to the ones I’ve sent, nada. The Wy certificate costs $250, I still need to take these 2 exams for them about the WY constitution and the US constitution. They seem pretty easy, but I’m really psyching myself out about them and putting it off because I don’t want to fail. I also need to get fingerprinted, which is stupidly cheap here but the hours they offer it are sort of dumb, and I recently sliced my index finger open on my right hand, which means I cant get it done until that heals. It’s almost better but I have to wait for all the skin to heal back up so that my print is smudgey or hard to read.

All I can really do is keep applying places… I hate the district here in Idaho, and the more I learn about the state of education in Idaho overall, the more I want out of here.

Wyoming sounds excellent, education wise, which is reflected in the pay rates for teachers there. Its just ridiculous how much education differs from state to state in this country. The way Common Core is being implemented here, and I imagine in many other places, is completely ridiculous. I appreciate the way that CC is designed to work, but it’s being abused so much. There are these CC nazis that are going around making life impossible for teachers, parents, and students.

DID I MENTION that we adopted this pathetic and abused puppy that someone was standing outside of Albertson’s begging people to take? Ugh. He told me her whole sob story about how the people he was renting his rental property to abandoned her and he didnt even know she was alone in the rental for several days, but she’s very scared and timid like she was abused badly by the people who had her.. she is terrified of other people, she barks and shakes like a little leaf and growls and hides.. she’s great with us now that she knows us, and she’s doing well with our dogs and she’s great with the kids.. she’s not at all house broken, but she does pretty well if I keep an eye on her.

HOWEVER, when IM not the one watching her every moment of every day. Kasin is generally on Puppy Duty in the mornings while I get ready or if I sleep in a little bit, but he doesn’t pay ANY attention to her and she has accidents when he’s on duty. She has been making it through the nights without accidents, which is a huge deal to me.

When we all go back to school and work on Monday, she’ll be in a kennel all day.. I’m concerned that she’s going to have multiple accidents and then either roll around or step in it or lay in it or get it all over her blankets. It would be easy enough to throw her blankets in the washer after work each day, but I dont look forward to scraping and scrubbing the tray in the kennel each day.

The puppy has added a certain degree of insanity to my life, but it hasn’t been such a huge deal overall.. I just feel so overwhelmed with the prospect of having no job in August, and not knowing where we’ll be or what we’ll be doing. It’s terrifying and stressful. And the kids have been bickering and nasty lately too. And they just DONT help me at all, which I know seems reasonable, cuz they’re kids, but Kasin is old enough to be helpful around the house and he just refuses, or he does a super half assed job of it and makes more work than he’s eliminating in the first place.

FURTHERMORE, speaking of Kasin, he has gained SO MUCH WEIGHT it’s horrifying. He’s got to be 150lbs, and he’s like.. 5’ tall. He’s wearing Men’s LARGE clothing, and his feet are bigger than mine. So, okay, he’s tall for his age, but he’s also almost perfectly round. He’s HUGE. He has BOOBS, like if he were to wear a bra, he’d probably need a B cup. Not only is it really off putting, it’s super stressful to me and I worry constantly about his health and social development as a result of this. I believe in embracing whatever body type you have, but he has always been tall and thin in the past, nothing like this.

I also think it has a LOT to do with the fact that he sits on his bum and plays the stupid Xbox all the time. I give him a set amount of time he’s allowed to play each day, but if I don’t police that time limit he takes advantage of my not paying attention and goes over it EVERY time. I have a million other things to do, and he knows it and takes advantage. I should have never let him get that stupid Xbox. I regret it every day. I told him this summer he’s not touching it, and he needs to get his ass in gear and go ride his bike and play outside and find some neighbor friends and run around and be a kid. He has a ton of lego sets he got for Xmas and his Bday and he hasn’t put any of them together.

SIGH okay. Alright. I’m feeling better. Send me some positive vibes, say a prayer, wish me luck, whatever it is you choose to do.. that I find a job and get a position I can do well in and I’ll be able to take care of my kids and find some peace and/or happiness. I’d really appreciate it. <3