Well I saw Allegiant. And… in Thoughts On...

…if they were looking to completely diverge from the book, they succeeded nearly 100% or “pure”. Other than the characters (with the exception of Edgar), a very general plot device/twist, nothing was like the book other than setting. It’s not a surprise because Insurgent did the same thing, not on such a grand scale, but still…

Lord knows how much time has passed in this installment. Tris’ hair has grown, Evelyn has pretty much Donald Trumped here way to the dystopian version of POTUS with Johanna, Jack Kang and Four as her cabinet members. They hold public trials in what looks like the factionless headquarters even though they have that really sweet Erudite and the equally lovely Candor HQs. And Evelyn gets off on adhering to the “will of the people” and executing traitors/Jenneane followers like Max (who originally died in Insurgent on a bridge). They also hold the traitors like Caleb in some upper level hole that has bungee cord cell bars, but whatever. Four gets Caleb out of jail and then fake kills him, they hijack a government vehicle and head for the border. The border being the wall that Evelyn has closed off after the box told everyone to get the hell out of dodge. Tori is able to secure some hi-tech gear and Tris, Four, Caleb, Christina, Tori and Peter set off to the “other side”. There is some running up the wall, some blowing up of an electrified fence and Tori getting shot in the back most likely by Edgar. Then there is some repelling and scaling down some rocky terrain that was most definitely not present on the other side in either Divergent (where Amity tended to the fields out that a way) or Insurgent (where again there was plenty of vegetation). Then suddenly it is radioactive Nevada/Arizona. At least according to Caleb who read a lot. There is even blood rain. BLOOD RAIN kids. Yeah. Funny how they are not developing rashes or breathing problems in this radioactive wasteland and the blood rain isn’t staining their clothing or skin. Oh and nobody has a coat other than Caleb, which he does not even offer to a lady and I don’t think they have any food. So great planning on their part right? After the storm is over, they continue their trek and Edgar comes upon them in some sort of super dune buggy and suddenly a “camo wall” opens up and Starship Troopers storm in and put the gang in plasma amniotic sacs to take them to the Bureau of Genetic Alteration (I am quite certain that is what the one guy called it before later remembering it is the Bureau of Genetic Warfare). So…no Four’s mentor or Tori’s not dead brother to save them from the “fringe” which must be a holographic event because there was zero evidence of life in this desolate wasteland on the outskirts of O’Hare.

The gang needs to be decontaminated and thus are sent into five pods (good thing Tori didn’t survive because there wasn’t one for her), where they are stripped, showered, bar coded and apparently dressed in American Anthem style gymnastics outfits (all white) before being led through the “barracks” to their own bunks and finding out their whole lives have been one giant Truman Show. So…gross. Tris gets invited to meet David and is given a new wardrobe of nothing but white from here on out just to signify that she is 100% pure. Never mind that they never did finish testing all of the divergents in Chicago. So maybe someone else could have opened that bullshit box. According to the posters, Four is 99% pure, so the odds would indicate that he very likely could have opened that box. Plus 99% is pretty fucking close so one would think that David might want to study is DNA as well. Especially if he wants to replicate and create an entirely pure world (hello dystopian Hitler), wouldn’t he want Tris & Four to make babies? Because 100%+99% is pretty damn unbelievable. But, we can’t have Four intervene and make sure Tris understands how incredibly stupid she is being for trusting some guy who holds her Mom’s “memory cells” in a little case on his trophy wall. Because creepy.

Peter & Caleb get jobs as television watchers and write book reports, while Christina and Four get to become soldiers with little drones and spy-glasses. Oh and suits that turn from grey to red once they are outside the Star Wars rejected space ships. Their mission: to kidnap children by force, erase their memory and take them back for David the Creepy Sort-of Pedo to play Dr. Frankenstein with. So that seems legit.

After explaining the sitch to Tris, she still insists on going on a business trip to Providence (Rhode Island?) with David where she learns what a creepy bag of dicks he is. Upon their return we find out that Four has left BGW and is “MIA” from Matthew, the really creepy secretary to David. Tris, still wearing all white, enlists Caleb’s help to find Four and figure out what the actual fuck is going on inside the wall. Meanwhile, Peter has joined forces with David and reentered the wall and has been given the information on what Evelyn can do to defeat Johanna and the Allegiant (see how they did that?). Release the memory erasing gas onto the city. But first she tests it out on her abusive ex-husband, whom I can’t believe hasn’t had his trial yet. With his mind erased, she is pleased and the wheel starts turning. She keeps her son locked up and does not even get him medical treatment because she loves him.

Tris hijacks David’s space pod and picks up Caleb and Christina, who has to sit on Caleb’s lap because it is only a two seater. After a crash course on how to fly this thing, a litteral crash course, the trio make it back into the city and suddenly the space pod turns into Wonder Woman’s invisible jet. Evelyn begins the gas release and Tris & Christina shoot their way through Erudite to the “gas” room after rescuing Four. There is some discussion about how what Evelyn is doing is wrong, then Four drops the Mom word and then Peter shoots Evelyn and then gets fucked over when the gas begins pouring into the “safe” room. Tris goes into the pipe system to turn the main tanks off, or blow them the fuck up and then declares to the city that they are home and yada yada David is a hologram behind her. Roll credits.

Points of Confusion & Illogic:
• Caleb watches the museum special on how the world became a radioactive wasteland and his first question is “What’s an airport?” The boy who read everything and the only thing he wants to know is what a fucking airport is.

• They have some pretty fancy technology at BGW, so why does so much of the airport look like a rat motel? They couldn’t rig up some lights and have the memoryless children clean up? Or I don’t know, have Peter clean up?

• How is Peter more pure than Caleb and Christina? Caleb and Tris have the same parents, wouldn’t you assume that Caleb would have some more pureness than Peter?

• And Christina, Peter and Caleb exhibited zero divergentness, so???

• Why did the lady who build the surveillance system have a full barcode? She can’t be pure because wouldn’t David have been replicating her DNA? And Four is 99% pure, so surely he should have a more complete barcode than that lady right? And even more than David’s secretary.

• Why didn’t the soldier space pods have auto-pilot like David’s? Why did it crash after the two on everyone fight?

• Did Johanna tell us she was born into Dauntless? I think she did.

• There needed to be more lighting in Four’s decontamination shower after his trip to the Fringe.

• Some people have to be without their memory in Chicago right? I mean some one would have had to have fallen down or not gotten into one of the buildings with air locks.

• Tris still had a lot of abnegation tendencies in the books, so why is she so okay with wearing not much there clothing and stripping down to nothing in an unknown, sort of creepy place?

• Why don’t we have those sweet tattoo techniques in our world today? Laser etched? Put on with a gel-pack and electrode? For a society that is pretty keen on shooting people in the neck with sim juice, they shy away from them for body art.

• Seriously though, more light and a wide camera was needed for that shower scene. I sat through some pretty serious bullshit and got royally screwed by not seeing some naked chesticles.

• Was that a nuclear bomb they put in David’s jet pack? It looked like Hiroshima on the other side of the “camo” wall. And really a camo wall? The actual fuck is that. What if someone just kept walking? Would they run into it, would it just keep moving back? There is nothing there to stop a person from continuing on their journey.

• How is it that I want to punch Peter in the balls but still want to have a beer with him? And how is he going to get back into Chicago?

• And is Tris’ fate still sealed? There is no Ascendant book and since pretty much everything that happened in the Allegiant book did NOT happen in this movie, what the fuck are they going to throw at us next? Besides a different director?

o Hopefully some chesticles and maybe some tighter pants for Four. I’m just saying that the adults need something to bring them to the theater next year.