So, since the last time I wrote, I broke up with Rick and seem to have found myself a man that might be my new boyfriend. However, I’m still feeling rather gunshy about tying myself down again, so he’s being wonderful and letting me be me for as long as I need to be. He’s also letting me crash at his house 3 nights a week while I”m in school. You see, I got into a Certified Medical Assistant program at my local community college! After the LPN fuck up, you’d think staying sober would be easy - all I’d have to do would be think about what a colossal failure it was when they busted me in Dec… but you’d be wrong. I’m sober more days than I’m not, but pot is all I have. I don’t drink so I have nothing to help me relax… except the gym, which closes at 9 during the week, or else I might find myself there some particularly hard late nights. I’ve been sober more than I haven’t - but considering my drug of choice has a habit of staying in your system for months at a time, I’m scared shitless of having a repeat performance in a few weeks. According to everything I’ve read.... I think I’m fucked. It’s my own fault.... but fuck.
Rick has a new gf already. For someone that was so heartbroken only about a month ago, he sure moved on quick. Granted so did I, but … idk. I expected it to take longer for some reason. Call me whatever you want, but part of me didn’t want him to move on. I wanted him to get his shit together and come back to me. But the bottom line is that he wants to stay in this crappy little town and I don’t. I was raised in a crappy little town and I’m done with limited choices and small-town politics. I want out.
Why in the flying fuck do I want him back? He was horrible to me! He made me feel useless and bad about myself. He made life horribly hard having to choose between him & my parents for every holiday. Every trip we went on, we fought. He was unreasonably rude when he got too hungry and I supported him for years. I guess it’s the mental fuckery talking. Freeway makes me so much happier. His personality is a 180 from Rick’s.... but for some fucking reason I’m jealous? of this new girl. I don’t know if I’m jealous, per say, but I’m irritated he has a new gf. I hate seeing pics of them on FB. If I could take him off my fb, I would, but I want him to remember he owes me $2k. As soon as I get my money (which won’t be until the end of the year) he’ll be gone.
Heh, a part of me hopes he knocks her up. Serves him right. However, he’s a shitty father, so I shouldn’t wish that on a kid.
Speaking of kids, I want to get my tubes tied. I’m tired of birth control fucking with my body. I’ve gained 30 lbs since this thing was put in my arm in November. I’m over it. I’ve been working out between 3 and 5 days per week for 2 hours at a time, doing 45 min of cardio each time - this isn’t right. I don’t want kids. Ever. Time to shut down the factory, permanently.
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