I haven’t worked since Monday February 29, 2016. I was having panic attack after panic attack, and I just.couldn’t.do.it.anymore. I submitted my insurance claim for Short Term Disability today, and my fingers are crossed that they will approve me off until May 2. That is the date that my Psychiatrist says we need to decide by. Decide if I can actually continue to work or do I need to go on permanent disability? Depression and Anxiety sucks. I have been “dealing with it” for almost 20 years now, but I am far from having actually dealt with it. I have a lot of work to do in the next 7 weeks. I’m already a week behind because I chose not to deal with my issues at all last week, and now I am guilty for wasting 7 days. 7 days that could have been used to work towards change.
I will turn 39 on March 24th. I REFUSE to turn 40 next year and still be feeling like this.
I’ve been encouraged to write again. I’ve been hesitant to start for fear of getting stuck with nothing to say and for fear of doing it wrong - dwelling on the negative. Thankfully, the encouragement I received, also included the rules for writing, and that is that there are no rules. If I get stuck I can Google journalling prompts and go from there, or I can simply write myself 1 single line that may say “I got out of bed today” (and trust me that IS worth writing about). If I am dwelling, then so be it, I will dwell. I can’t write about rainbows and butterflies if I am feeling like garbage and storm clouds.
I did look up a prompt to use today, and I think that this is a good place to start - just to check in on where I currently am. It’s not life changing info, but it will malke me think, since I have lost so much joy and enjoyment of anything So, here I go....
What is your favorite book? The one book that stand out as a favorite, because I read it over and over again, is “Fine Things” by Danielle Steele. A Romance Novel. Go figure
What is your favorite song? If I had to pick a favorite song for TODAY - one that I would stop and turn up if it came on the radio is Honey I’m Good. It reminds me of our little family road trip to Medicine Hat last year. That 2 days stands out as the most relaxed I have felt in years.
What is your favorite color? Red. It always has been. Though I’m really into purples and that new spring blush color, I will always be attracted to anything Red.
What is your favorite destination? I haven’t been to many places. I’d pick anywhere beachy - sun, sand and umbrella drinks take all.
What is your favorite memory? It’s nothing specific, but lately I have been really thinking back to when I was 11-13 years old maybe and weekends were spent with my parents. Grocery Shopping, BBQ’ing, Church, Movies....the time I spent with my mom and dad before hormones kicked in and school drama started are my fondest memories of growing up. Nothing fancy, just time with my mom and dad.
What is your favorite TV show? I LOVE anything reality TV - Big Brother is my favorite. I PVR all of the Real Housewives and KUWTK - I do, however, think that watching these shows is contributing to my depression. Something to think more about.
What is your favorite movie? Grease and Grease 2. I can recite most of the lines and sing with the songs.
What is your favorite food? I love Italian food - anything pasta. It hits my pleasure sensors in my brain and makes me feel momentarily calm and satisfied. I abuse food though - this should probably be about what tastes good and not what gives me a Heroine High.
What is your favorite dessert? Chocolate Cake with lots of Icing. I love Icing.
What is your favorite treat? I really love salty snacks with an ice cold Beer. My current obsession in this category are the Corn and Flax chips (they serve on Westjet flights) with a Coors Banquet or a Pilsner.
What is your favorite car? I love the Fiat 500. I`ll never have one, but I love it anyway. LOL - I have spent a good portion of my life loving things I will never have.
What is your favorite piece of clothing? My grey sweater that I wear with anything and everything - leggings, yoga pants, jeans<
What is your favorite fashion accessory? Infinity Scarves.
What is your favorite leisure activity? I love swimming, but I never do it. Bathing suit, shaving…ugh too much.
Who is your favorite author? I used to read A LOT before PJ was born. I had a tonne of go to authors to guarantee a good read. I have no idea who that would be today. It`s been so long since I have picked up any kind of reading.
Who is your favorite actor/actress? Melissa McCarthy - she is one funny lady and a body positive role model for me.
Who is your role model? My boss from when I worked in Banff. She was always cool and calm in the face of craziness. She is work life balanced and very active. She was quick to praise and gentle to coach. I really miss working for her.
Where is your favorite place to be? Kamloops. Hands Down. It will always be home to me no matter where I hang my hat.
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