This started as a comment in Safety Net

Depression effects everyone differently. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you don’t know what it feels like. It feels different to everyone (although your description is pretty damn good).

I’ve dealt with it so long that I’m not sure who I am without it to be completely honest. I’ve always called it a mental illness since I got past the denial phase (sometime in high school), but then I have treated it with medication off and on and attempted therapy a few times. The meds have always helped more than the people for me, but again, everyone is different. Everyone has to find their own way to deal with it.

It’s a nasty bitch. Hormones suck. Mine always gets worse just before my period. As if I’m not feeling crappy enough, the depressive bitch that lives in my head digs her claws in deeper saying things like, “you’re fat and ugly and so completely messed up that you deserve to be alone.” After a few days she backs off and I can go back to mostly not hating myself, but after all of these years I’ve started to agree with her that it just wouldn’t be fair to dump all of this on some poor, unsuspecting male and that it may get lonely at times, but being single is probably for the best.

Dump the PTSD on top of that and life gets down right nasty some days.

I’m working both jobs right now, finishing up my schedule at the gas station. Sunday is my last day. I’m actually kind of sad. For the most part, I’m treated well there. The one manager (technically she’s the assistant) is a bitch, but everyone else is decent. I’m going to miss the cops that come in to get their energy drinks at night when I’m working (one In particular, we like to joke around, but I like that all three of the regulars are around. I get some real weirdos coming in there and I’m there alone). I haven’t had a day off in a while and won’t have one until sometime next week. I’m exhausted, so that doesn’t help. There’s all of the emotion over selling the van. Mom and I ordered the headstone today. And judging by the constant background headache and general feeling of worthlessness, my period will be starting soon. I was sitting at work (my new job) doing training crap on the computer today and all I could think about is my brother. That image of him lying in the hospital bed and his blank stare looking at me just kept coming back all day today. Five hours of that image hounding me. I’d get up and walk around, go back to the computer and there he was again. All the while there’s voice in the back of my head telling me, “it’s your own damn fault.”

The nightmare will be back again tonight.