Anxiety girl! in 2016

Oh the doom, the doom is strong and bad.

I don’t even know where to start and I’m aware that there is no solution to any of it, and the answer will be to take it as it comes but GOD DAMMIT I’M NOT BUILT THAT WAY. I have to preempt the bad things that may or may not happen and overthink everything so that I will know what the conclusion will be before the thing happens. Ok?

I got my new job approved at the university, back on the pay grade I have been at for the last year instead of the pay cut I’ve had the last month. Which is super good and I am really pleased. I even got a little pay rise which is super sweet. My boss is so happy that I have this role and that he’s been able to secure it and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy and valued. It’s only secured until the end of the year though, because research is all about the fix termed contracts and the JOY that it brings.

I had a long, intense, drawn out interview process for another job role in a different organisation. The pay is the same for the first year as what I am on now (after the increase I just got!) but goes up fairly significantly each year. At the university it would also increase each year but more modestly. Also, this job has a 5 year minimum contract, as it’s a training post for an even more prestigious and well paid role. I’d get to do a Masters in that time too, though in honesty that’s not a huge draw for me.

I’ll find out about the other job next week and I’m SO FREAKING ANXIOUS. I don’t know how I feel about it. If I get an offer I have 48 hours to make a decision apparently. I haven’t told my current boss I applied for anything else, and I would want to speak to him before I accepted (or indeed rejected) any offer from the other job. I’m away on the day I find out though. Awkward. And the next day is a Friday and he doesn’t work Fridays. We are going to a conference together tomorrow and have a long train journey down and I’m wondering whether to speak to him about it then, but I also don’t know whether it’s worth rocking the boat when I might not even get an offer.

The issue is about whether I would even do well in the new potential role. The interview process was intense and pressurised and frankly a bit ridiculous and if that’s the world I’d be going into I’m not sure it’s for me. Research is hard work sometimes and there is instability but there is also a lot of flexibility. The group I work with now are generally good, respectful people who want the best for everyone. They’re kind and good humans and that goes a long way. I am reluctant to leave that, especially when they’ve just busted a gut to get me this new role and seem so happy for me to be part of the team again (I was on secondment to a different group for the past 12 months). But, and it’s a big one, there is no guarantee this job will be extended past December. The group have a really really good record of keeping people who want to stay. But it’s still that level of uncertainty of always being anxious of it just stopping.

On the other side, if I was to get pregnant before the end of the year, I would get maternity pay with the university. Good maternity pay. If I left and got pregnant before January 2017 then I would get some basic pay but nothing like what I would be entitled to if I stayed here.

There are just so many unknown quantities and I can’t control for this. I can’t make decisions based on ifs and buts and it is DRIVING ME INSANE. I haven’t even been offered the new role yet so this is all an entirely hypothetical situation but I can’t stop thinking about it because I know that if I am offered it I won’t have time to consider it all then, so I need to make the decision now, so I am ready if it comes to it.