Explanation about my parents in Much a Dew about nothing

written 10/28/1999 Of course my parents aren't perfect, but they kind of are the picture of bourgeois happiness. My dad manages a company. My mom manages a department. They both have Ph.D.s. My dad is very good looking and he knows everything. I think there was about one trivia question ever that I asked him and he didn't know. So he has a pretty bad temper and he's a neat freak, but those are kind of the essential qualities for modern life. My mom is not pretty - she's fatter than me - but she's so outgoing and nice that it doesn't seem to matter. Everyone in the world likes her. Both of my parents are good people - they really help their friends who are in trouble, they do (did) everything in the world for their elderly parents, and of course for us (despite what my brother thinks. He hasn't seen the alternatives). Etc. etc. I never wanted to be my parents, and never felt that I didn't live up to them, but they kind of set a standard which is pretty hard to achieve. I thought it was easy to get married and have two children and get Ph.Ds and good jobs. Now I find out that even when everything goes well - it's difficult! There's a lot of heartbreak on the way and nothing is a sure thing. I've become afraid of my life - what will happen to me? What will my life story be? I know there will be pain because for me there usually is - no matter what really happens. That's what my parents don't have - I don't think they've ever been depressed for more than 2 hours. I used to be that way too, but it passed (I thank my ex-boyfriend, The Pole, for that. I'll have to dedicate a whole entry to him). So now my parents want to send ME to therapy. I'm not sure I want to. I think the doctors will mess me up worse than I was. I don't think I have a problem I can define, except maybe moderately low self esteem, which is reasonable considering what I know about my relationship to the world. I don't think I'm wrong. I think I'm pretty normal when it comes to depression. Everyone around me has it (except my parents) so why not me?