written 9/29/1999
Let’s start with the weight news. I’m at 61.600 kilo. Not great but at least I’m not getting any fatter. Now, I’ll brace myself for 2 days at my parent’s house… I have never, ever, been able to completely stick to my diet on a weekend at that house. Maybe this time?
Yesterday I really forced myself to go to the gym, got myself through the door, reserved a machine, and then I found out that I had brought along 2 different shoes. How stupid is that? It’s because I have two pairs of Reeboks: One ankle high and one a bit above the ankle. And it was dark when I left for work… I almost went down there and exercised anyway - I was half dressed already - but then I thought how everyone would be staring at my shoe. When I was younger I used to convince myself that no-one would actually notice, and if they would they wouldn’t think worse of me. But 2 years working with a bunch of gossipy, bored 50 year old women (whom I love, by the way) have taught me that people do notice, and they do think worse of you. So I left.
Instead of going home (Odie was in Jerusalem) I stopped by my friend Denise’s house. Her boyfriend was over. Now here’s a weird thing: Denise is a very thin girl. A lot of guys think her body is the sexiest in the world. This doesn’t bother me, except when she tries to give me dietetic advice. Then I really hit the roof - she thinks it’s SO easy! Anyway, her boyfriend loves her, of course, but many times he’s told her that he would prefer if she was much fatter. He’s just the kind of guy that loves fat girls, preferably with cellulitis, because it reminds him of his mother (yes, he actually admits this). Lately, I have to give her pep talks about her weight - that it’s okay that she’s thin, that if he loves her he’ll love her no matter what her weight is… I wish them all the best, of course, but BOY is it NICE to suddenly be on the other side!!! I bet more than one or two of my boyfriends have looked at HER body and wished mine was like that…. (He even asked her if we could have an orgy. I think I would do it if I weren’t with Odie, just out of curiosity…).
We ended up having a really good time doing nothing special - we were helping her pack her bags to move to her new apartment. She told me she loves me more than her other good friend - I hate when she compares us like that - I know sometimes she loves HER better, and I don’t want to know about it…
Odie was kind of mad at me yesterday. It had to do with some phone mix-up that wasn’t really my fault, and he understood this, but he was really pissed that he had to try to reach me for 6 hours and I was no-where to be found (I am the only person in Israel that doesn’t own a cell phone. But I don’t have the money. By the way, neither does he. I wonder why he keeps his phone when he’s always at home anyway). So I told him how bad I feel when he gets mad at me for no reason. (I feel worse when it is for a reason, but then what can he do?). he said he understands me, and that he really hates when people are mad at him too. And then we just had a nice talk about regular things (He said that since he remembers himself, he addresses himself in his head as plural, like "God, we’re idiots" when he does something stupid. Isn’t that the most weird and scary thing? He doesn’t really have an idea who these "we" are. He feels like just one person, and he doesn’t have a multiple personality from what I can tell. Strange….)
Anyway, I still don’t exactly know what I’m doing in this relationship, but I really can’t bear to be alone right now. We’ll see what happens…
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