When It's Not Enough in Navigating the Shadowlands

So sad and stressed and have been for the past year or so.
At home, husband is still forgetting to take his meds and is often very mean and impatient. Not only that, but he confessed he gambled away two entire pay checks in online gambling. When he hasn’t contributed anything to the family budget in five years, has lost so many jobs due to his ADD (but can’t get disability) and blew through our savings without telling me. I honestly do not love him anymore. I don’t hate him. But I do not love him, my skin crawls when he touches me.
I want to divorce.
But I don’t know....as a Christian, short of adultery, divorce is wrong. But it hurts so much to know I will NEVER have a marriage of friendship and love; that I will NEVER have those warm feelings of being in love ever again if I stay.

And at age 44, do I really want to be back in the dating pool?
And my kids adore him, most of the time. They do ask me why daddy yells a lot or is mean a lot…but he is good with them more than he’s not good with them. And working full time? I couldn’t do it without him, he gets them off to school.

So right now, we are living like he is a nanny/roommate. I also know my kids deserve more than that. They deserve to see parents in love; I don’t want them thinking that this sad state of affairs is what marriage is.

Then there’s my job. Which I hate. I am a history teacher. I went on leave to stay home for the first few years with daughter1; when I came back after finding out husband had spent our nest egg, the only job I could find was a gifted and talented teacher…then one year into that…they moved me and made me the new STEM teacher (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). Never mind that I am NOT certified in any of those. Never mind that I am not good at any of those. Never mind that I actually dislike, even hate all of those subjects. Never mind that I have no idea what I am doing. And I hate it. I cry at work a lot. I know people all over hate their jobs…
…but teaching is my passion, I love it and to be in a position where it’s ruined for me is rough.

So at work, I’m miserable.
At home, I’m miserable (except when around my kids).
My bio family is miserable as my mom is showing signs of early dementia (she is mid 60’s) and my dad is in denial about it while my drug addict brother lives with them.
We are in the process of declaring bankruptcy due to being almost in foreclosure on the house.

This is how I grew up: poor, moved a lot due to money, chaotic and my parents’ marriage was unloving. I promised myself I would never, ever live like this that and do that to my kids. It meant everything to me.
Husband knew that and sold me a false bill of goods and showed me a man who he really wasn’t. After a year or so of marriage....I saw the real him and now I am living my nightmare.

And guess what....the love of my life, who I’ll call D2, got in touch with me on Facebook. He has written a book and wanted to send me a copy. He is the only man I have ever truly loved for all of who he is, warts and all. We casually dated about 12 years ago and then he took off, said he was not ready for a relationship. I loved him through that. We went to the same church and had the same friends. It was so painful seeing him All.The. Time. So I moved an hour away, new town, new job, new start.
That was 11 years ago. And for these past 11 years he’s been on my mind almost everyday. I cry when I think of him. I have loved him since 1999 when we first met at church. And no matter what he does, my love for him is unconditional. I knew he was everything I’d wanted in a man. And while I still thought of him and loved him, I had to move on when it was clear he just wasn’t ready to date back then.
And now with my marriage sucking and him contacting me I am in tears again, thinking of what could have been and of how much I love him. It hurts.
It hurts so bad in my heart right now as I love him; and it feels like a different kind of love than I’ve had for other boyfriends/my current husband. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like a settled love, like a sure, steady rock. That it will not fade or die. That it is not based on circumstance. That it is not infatuation. It’s just something so sure and clear in my heart.

And it’s been like that for 16 years (since 1999). Never once changing despite our ups and downs and distance.

I just hurt all over inside.

And I so wish I could just take a few days and go somewhere, anywhere private to cry loudly and punch pillows and just get things sorted out in my head.

But I can’t. Husband is not capable of taking care of the girls for a few days alone (his mental issues); mother has dementia; babysitter is too expensive; I don’t really have any friends I can confide this in right now (that’s another story, friendships).