Obsessing in Hello.

I know I keep going on about my non new year resolution. But I’ve come to the conclusion it’s actually more than that.
I think the flooding has actually bothered me more than I thought. At the time I thought “it’s just Garage Shit™. I’ve not bothered about it for months, I’m not bothered about it now either.”
But I don’t think I really think that. It’s highly coincidental that I decided to streamline my life less than a month after it happened. I did actually lose stuff that I liked and wanted to keep. Now I find myself thinking about how I can get rid of the stuff I’ve already got. Not necessarily by throwing it out, but by selling it, giving it away or eating it. It’s immensely stupid, but I think about it constantly. How I can cut down on what I’ve got. Every single meal I make is based around the stuff I have in the fridge or freezer, whereas before I’d go out and buy whatever I fancy. I’ve started making stuff in bulk and freezing it, now I’m panicking when I don’t feel like eating what I’ve got in. I only relax when I think “wait, I have this and this, that will make a meal…” and I’ll eat it, even if I’m not enjoying it.
It looks really crap written down like that, but it’s really starting to become an obsession. I find myself thinking of what I can do next. I’m using up all my tiny scraps of wool before I allow myself any more. I’m trying to spend the least amount of money in the supermarket but still giving my kids a nutritious meal, even though I can afford to not necessarily do that. I find myself gathering all the small change around the house I can lay my hands on. My chest gets tight in the shops if I even think about buying something frivolous.
The mediating/knitting/drinking sleepy tea I’m doing at the end of the day is not because I want to feel good, it’s so I can stop feeling shit. It’s funny, I want to collect and hold onto all the things I own, but at the same time I want to get rid of it all and just live in an empty shell. It’s confusing.
All this only hit me yesterday, it all slots into place and it fits. I’m hoping it’s just a temporary “blip” and I can look back on this entry and think “what were you thinking?!”
Right now though, while my thoughts aren’t destructive, I’ll just embrace them and hope my anxiety passes.