Fuck hormones in 2016

Seriously, fuck hormones and the monumental craziness that they can cause.

They have made me SO ILL over the last few months, but then I have a period and its like angels singing, lights shining from behind clouds etc

Fuck you hormones (I think specifically progesterone?) and your control over my body and my brain and my god damn life. Why can’t you just be normal and let me get on with shit?

The realisation that the worst I’ve felt in a long time was due (at least in part) to hormones made me wonder how much all of the depression and anxiety I’ve ever experienced has been because of my weird hormonal imbalances on some level. Further investigation is definitely required.

The most recent crash coincided with an incredibly stressful time at work, and I have dragged myself through it but have developed alopecia and am exhausted. I am better now the BASTARD PROGESTERONE has calmed down a bit but I feel wiped out, and the work still isn’t finished. I am struggling with concentration and that induces more panic of things not being done.

I’ve applied for a different job, outside of research. I have mixed feelings about it. Its very good pay but is also very very competitive. Also, I love research, for all its faults. I don’t know. I feel like the fates will decide. If it’s not meant to be then I won’t get through to the next stage anyway, so it won’t matter. I’ve also had to apply for the job I am already doing, just to add to the fun. I joined the university on a lower paid grade than I was on before (and am qualified to do) because I just needed the job, but I was then seconded to a role on the correct grade. The secondment has ended now (as of today!) so I am back on the lower grade for this month. My boss has secured money to keep me on the higher grade but as its technically a promotion I have to apply and interview for it and whatnot, so that is also ongoing and is only until the end of this year even if I do get it. I have an appointment to go back to the fertility clinic in March, to decide what happens next after we postponed treatment for the wedding and then because of uncertainty (impacted by job uncertainty). I am still in a place of job uncertainty and until a few weeks ago, general uncertainty. But the past few weeks (again, hormones at play here?) I feel like I do want to continue with it, but what am I supposed to do when I don’t know if I will have a job come the end of the year, of where it will be if I do have one? If there was a break in my employment at the university or if I left the university for the other job, I wouldn’t qualify for maternity pay (presumably I would qualify for statutory pay but its significantly less than that paid by an employer). But I’m hardly at liberty to be picky about when or when not to have treatment, am I?

So I don’t really know what to do about that.