I am having a difficult time getting into the Christmas spirit. I am trying to hide it the best I can. I am really somber that OD is down and has been down. First world problems. Well, after over a week of contemplating if I should end things with Bradley, we spent a wonderful weekend together. Cassidy went down to Florida with my dad and brother to visit family, so it was just us. Pretending everything was right in the world. It was really nice. Until reality slapped me in the face.
Bradley had another polygraph on Wednesday. He passed. I should be sounding the trumpets because, he passed! And that's what his PO said he needed to get their approval for us to move in together. But, like my pessimistic self suspected, there were more strings attached. When he went to his class on Thursday the counselor said he would need to pass ANOTHER one.
The fuck.
That's another four months away. Four months. And I know you're thinking, "that's just four months, you've been waiting all this time, what's four more months?" But for one thing, while it may be just four more months, I have already been waiting... what FOUR years. And my patience has finally ran out. And above all, there is still no guarantee. As the counselor has proved time and time again, her word means shit. She makes up her own rules as she goes along. So just because she said "Oh pass another one and we'll grant you blah blah" doesn't mean she's actually going to do it. And not to mention, it's not even her call. it's the judge's. All she does is say if she is for or against it. She clearly thinks she has more power than she actually does.
So now I am back to feeling pretty hopeless. And sad. Really, really sad. I am tired or putting on a front for the world. I am tired of feeling so lonely and isolated. i have not one to talk to about this because even my very best friend doesn't know me and him are living apart. At this point I think I'll just fake a smile throughout the holidays and then reevaluate things after that. I'm really tired of living in this glass jail cell.
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