unpredictable; beautiful *pics in 2016

There are moments within these fast-flying days that it occurs to me that I am a MOM WITH TWO KIDS. There was a point in my life, probably not much more than 5-6 years ago that I was convinced we just weren’t going to be the kind of people who decided to create our own spawn. At all.

And, when Joaquin was born, I emphatically declared that we were “ONE AND DONE!” Because having a kid extracted through my stomach and then caring for it seemed like the hardest thing in the world and there was NO WAY I was going to do that again.

But then! Joaquin turned 2 and my 40th birthday was looming. And I was struggling in my brains. Would I regret NOT doing it again? And if so, shouldn’t I do it BEFORE I turn 40, since according to all the “experts,” that’s when things get REALLY precarious? Or would I regret DOING it again? Now that we were starting to get bits and pieces of our lives back and now that Joaquin was becoming “easier*” shouldn’t we just kick back and enjoy life?

*SUBJECTIVE; RELATIVE

But I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that I wasn’t Done. And I also started to talk myself OUT of having another one vs. talking myself INTO it. And so at that critical crossroad in my brain, I decided: Let’s Do This Again.

Let’s be clear: I don’t REGRET doing it again. In fact, I think it was the hardest, bravest choice I’ve ever made in my entire life. I can’t imagine life without Aurion Rose and I’m so happy she chose us as her family and me as her mother. HOWEVER.

LIFE WITH TWO KIDS IS F*CKING HARD, YA’LL!

There. I said it.

But I do LOVE being a mom to Joaquin and Aurion. They are amazing, beautiful and healthy children. But going back to work and having a 3-month old + a 3-year old is no joke. It was hard to balance life before, but now it’s a beautiful stress like none I have ever known.

Money stress still exists, for the company and for our personal finances. But they seem to pale in comparison to the task of making sure our 3yo feels loved and cared for while simultaneously making sure the 3mo is getting what she needs to simply survive and then, thrive.

I’m HAPPY that Aurion is in daycare 3 days a week from 12:30p-5:30p because in those 5 hours on MWF, I lock into beast mode accomplishing All The Things and I’m impressed by my ability to slip back into Adult Mode so quickly. I felt like it was much harder to Adult post-baby the first time around, so apparently I have learned something from the first one.

Last week was my first week back and I had Adult Meetings on Thursday AND Friday where I had to basically be 100% present and on - and sell our company and our process effectively. And I did it! Then I had meetings this week with new and potential clients and I was so excited to hear Adult Things coming out of my mouth and seeing our clients nodding in approval. I still got it, even if it requires a vat of coffee and multiple tubes of Visine to make me look/ function appropriately.

While I’m happy to pat myself on the back after these two weeks back at work, there have been some low moments in the past 15 weeks as well, and I have forgiven myself for losing my shit and I’ve decided to just move on. Because I’ve learned it does me no good to dwell on it. Onward and upward.

Today marks 15 weeks since Aurion made her physical appearance into our lives, and for that I am grateful and humbled. These kids make me a better person everyday, and I’m lucky to have them. And my husband is amazing; this entry would not be happening if it wasn’t for his partnership and dedication. I am so grateful for everything he does and is.

Life is good. But sleep is elusive. But it’s OK, because this too shall pass. Let’s record it for posterity. Let’s remember what it is/was like to have two kids under 4 years old, because the moment will be gone before I know it.

Other important notes:

• Lost 32 of 40 pounds gained (yay)
• Potential trip to Minneapolis with the entire family very possible in February
• Company business off to a strong start, and many of our projects are actually from MY leads / contacts

Hopefully more writings to come. Time is flying by, and I hate when I don’t capture it!!

Happy weekend, party people!

Last updated January 15, 2016