Just a quick note to let you all know... in The Mundane Ramblings of an Insane Mind

I’m still here. Alive and well, for the most part.

Thank you for the notes. They mean a lot.

I’ve thought about things, and decided this: Sometimes life throws you a punch, or more, and it knocks you down. Do you take it, or do you fight back?

I’ve chosen to fight back. I’m already feeling better than I was, so that’s a start.

What really brought me out of my funk was… my 3 year old daughter. If for nothing else or no one else, I must be strong and here for HER.

A little backstory…

She was born to an HIV positive, drug addicted mother, who lied about being on drugs.

We could not afford this baby. We had one beautiful girl, but I pushed for this second child. I pushed HARD. I took it so far as to threaten my wife with divorce if we did not go through with it.

Second baby wiped us out, financially. At one point, we decided to return her, because we simply didn’t have the rest of the fees necessary to complete the adoption… $7,000. My wife booked a flight, and went to the airport. She tried to go past the gate onto the plane THREE times, but just couldn’t do it. She returned home with Naya. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard.

In the long run, the lawyers waived the remaining fees. This kind of thing NEVER happens.

But the Florida adoption board was taking way too long, so we hired a lawyer and had the case transferred to NJ. Perhaps that was a big mistake. NJ declared that we had to prove we were “financially responsible” and pay down some of our credit card debt. So, we wiped out our savings, my wife’s teacher pension, and scraped all the money together that we could, and wiped out some debt. Except now we were completely wiped out and living check to check. So, NJ, how is that being financially responsible? Eventually, we were able to officially adopt, and our battle was over.. Naya was ours.

And now, we are facing bankruptcy, except bankruptcy costs about $1400 to file, and we don’t have it. And we’re on our third foreclosure. Yay.

BUT, we do have Naya, and she is precious, amazing, advanced for her age and SO full of love. Always wanting to snuggle with me… “Daddy, huggy! Kissy!” I love her to pieces.

So, if I fought that hard to get her and keep her.. why would I just do something stupid like suicide and leave her alone.. and mess up her mind.. and her sister’s mind (who I also love so very much!).

So after mulling all this over, I came to the conclusion that as bad as things may SEEM, suicide can NEVER even be considered as an “option” ever again. I’ve fought too hard to get where I am now. I will keep fighting.. my kids, and my wife are worth at least that much.