I had my first appointment with a new therapist tonight and she recommended I start a diary to write about my thoughts and feelings. After a little searching online, I found this place. I haven't had a diary since I was little and this is a new and exciting concept for me.
I'll start with my history. I was raised in a middle class family in northern Virginia. My parents are divorced and I do not have contact with my father. My mother is a self-proclaimed hippie and she taught me to be an independent thinker. She also raised me to be a feminist and I grew up proud to be a woman.
My upbringing was probably more liberal than most. When I was 16 my mother told me that she wanted me to feel comfortable having sex at home and know that I didn't need to hide it from her. I had been sexually active for years, and still felt very awkward hearing that from her. The first time she allowed a boyfriend to spend the night in my room, I didn't quite realize how lucky I was. At that age, sex felt better when it was forbidden.
When I was 16 I had a year-long sexual relationship with a married 29-year-old man. Looking back at it, I realize how messed up that way, but at the time it just seemed exciting. He got me pregnant, and I had to confess to my mother what had happened. She agreed to help me have a safe abortion, but before that happened I miscarried.
I still wonder what it would have been like to be a mother.
I went to an all-girls university and majored in women's studies. My roommate freshman year was a lesbian, and I eventually experimented with her. I quickly started identifying as bisexual and had several girlfriends. I was proud to be bi and was open about it with everyone. My mother seemed strangely unhappy with it and after a long conversation I learned she just didn't believe in bisexuality. She felt people were either straight or gay and there was nothing in between. I guess she wasn't as open minded as I had always believed.
I fell in love with a woman who was very androgynous and we moved in together. I wanted to be androgynous too and I cut my hair short and started wearing very baggy clothing. Our relationship was very satisfying, but I struggled with monogamy and ended up cheating on her many times, with men and women.
After we broke up, I slowly became more feminine. My hair grew back and I wore "normal" girl clothes. I met a man in a coffee shop one day and after a long conversation, we started dating. He was different than other guys I had known. He was straight and conservative. He was sexually inexperienced. He didn't seem like the right guy for me, but we fell in love. We dated for six years before we got married and I never cheated on him.
He knew all about my past and had no issues with me being bisexual. Eventually he admitted to me that he was attracted to what he called "the tomboy look" and he encouraged me to be as masculine or feminine as a I wanted.
My changes came gradually. I cut my hair short, and then a year later I cut it even shorter. The following year before we went on a camping trip, I told my husband it would be easier while we were camping if I just had a crew cut, so I cut it all off. And then I kept it that length. He never had a problem with it. I stopped shaving my legs, and the hair grew out surprisingly thick and dark. When months went by and my husband had no complaints, I stopped shaving my armpits too.
I knew that I looked like a hardcore lesbian, and I liked that fact that my husband didn't care. In fact, it was more than just 'not caring,' he actually liked it. He enjoyed going to the beach with me and being seen with me and my hairy body. I know sometimes people would stare or even laugh, but it didn't bother me.
One day when we were shopping in a department store, completely on a whim, I picked up a package of men's boxer-briefs and showed them to my husband and told him I was going to start wearing them instead of panties. Part of me thought he would finally say I had gone too far, but he said he loved the idea. I told him I might want to wear more men's clothing, but we left it just with underwear at that point.
A few weeks later it was my birthday, and his gift to me was an assortment of men's clothes. More underwear, some jeans, and some dress shirts. I started dressing like a man more openly and over the next six months I completely changed my wardrobe.
The next big step for me was something I found online called a "binder" which was essentially a very tight top that compressed my breasts and would give me a flat chest under men's shirts. I started wearing them daily, and really only allowed my breasts to be free if I was just hanging around the house.
I think it finally started to bother my husband when we went out to eat and the waiter came to the table and said, "What can I get you gentlemen?" I thought it was awesome that I had been mistaken for a man, but it made him uncomfortable.
I didn't really want to be a man. I just didn't want to be a woman either. I researched it online and found there was a word for that. I started identifying myself as "genderqueer." I found a local discussion group about coming out as transgender and I have been attending for about a month. Tonight I saw my therapist for the first time. I am working to find a way to be open about who I am and still have a happy life. I hope I find a way.
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