Reflections Of My Life in Wanderings

I have always been a person who sets goals for himself and then works hard to meet them. I currently have 4 ongoing goals that have kept me occupied for several years but, I am not so sure they are working for me anymore.

1) I have continued my minimum once a month hike to the top of the mountain I named Weathertop. The hike is about 3 miles long and about 1200 feet in elevation gain. Last month, I completed my 120th month in a row. That’s 10 full years, having started in January 2006.
2) I walk/hike 100 miles a month. Walking for work or doing normal things does not count. In order to count the miles, I must set out specifically to walk. Since I must get in an average of 3 1/3 miles a day and I tend to walk 16-18 minutes per mile, it means I must average nearly an hour of walking each and every day. December marked the 17th month in a row I’ve completed my miles.
3) Each year, on or about my birthday, I bench-press 300 pounds. This is no small feat for a man my age. It is not like I can just show up and lift for a month and do it, I must lift weights 3-4 times a week year round to keep my strength up. At 54, I figure if I ever quit for a while, I’ll never get my strength back. I have successfully completed my goal on my 46th, 47th, 48th, 49th, 50th, 51st, 52nd, 53rd and 54th birthdays. This year, I decided to up the ante, and worked extra hard to see how strong I could get. On the day after Christmas, with my oldest son spotting me, I bench-pressed 320 pounds cleanly. The only other time I ever benched that much was when I was a 22 year-old college football player. So I can say at 54, I am as strong as I have ever been in my life.
4) I backpack/camp a minimum of 10 nights per year. I love sleeping outside and want to do more of it. I’ve meet this goal for the last 8 years, and slept outside 13 nights in 2015.

I really am starting to wonder why I do these things. Other than my wife and possibly my kids, no one else knows or cares that I meet my goals. There is no one I work with and no one I know who is aware of my achieving my goals. I don’t walk around the office bragging about how strong I am. I don’t mention how I walk, and lift and climb obsessively. And I feel like what’s the point?

When I made my 120th month climb to Weathertop’s summit, it was a milestone I had thought about for months, even years. When the goal was reached I thought some epiphany would come to me, some great insight, or at least I would feel fulfilled. But instead, I felt empty inside. The world hadn’t changed, I hadn’t changed, climbing the mountain really didn’t matter. It was a crushing realization. But still, I know I will keep going for as long as I can. This goal I cannot let go.

In order to be able to lift such heavy weights, I have these massive shoulders and chest, a huge upper torso. Since I don’t have a trim waste, it really means I look like a giant barrel. I hate it. I’ve decided it’s time to let this one go. It doesn’t matter one bit how strong I am. In fact, since mostly what I want to do is hike and backpack, it is actually counterproductive. So here I sit, barely a week after proving to myself that I am as strong as I have ever been, and I am done. I’ll still lift, but no more heavy weights, no more pushing more and more. In a way it makes me very sad, because being strong is the one thing I have been all my life. I want lean muscles, not huge muscles. My knee doctor told me several years ago, your knees don’t care if your weight is muscle or fat, it is just weight to your knees and it’s hard on them. Its time I listened to him.

I have been thinking hard about my 2016 goals. All my life, what I have really wanted is to be a hiker. I need to start acting like it. I need to become lean and fit. No more grizzly bear of a man. I need to hike and walk and backpack and camp. I need to take the long hikes I have dreamed about. I need to improve my abilities. Maybe then I would learn to like myself. Maybe then I would find happiness. The 2015 version of me was full of self-hatred and unhappiness. I want so badly for there to be hope for me, joy for me, happiness for me. Maybe if I change it will happen.

Funny, after setting goals and meeting them, I feel like such a failure. Like everything about me is wrong. That is why I have so much hope for 2016. It is a chance to redirect and turn myself into the man I wish I was.