#2 in Lost in my thoughts

Today wasn’t too bad, still not in the mood to eat. I wouldn’t say it’s an eating disorder exactly but I hate eating.
In 2009, I had a gastric bypass and lost about 140lbs. My biggest fear of everything is to gain the weight back. Unfortunately, from my lowest post-op to now I’ve gained about 40lbs, including the weight I gained from Mirena iud and having the baby.
Since I was 16, I had developed this knack for avoiding eating. I typically will chug water or start walking around to supress my hunger.
Every once in a while I feel good, like I can eat without feeling like shit afterwards but then I come back to this feeling. It’s almost like guilt and disgust.
Because of losing so much weight, I have tons of loose skin and insurance won’t pay to have it removed. So of course I feel fat with looking at it.
I can’t wait until the new year....cheap gym memberships, discounted diet sites, coupons for cheap diet food.
Until then, I’ll keep at a reduced calorie level and keep writing down everything I eat.
Well, I’m going to lay down with a bottle of water and watch a movie.
G’night and sweet dreams.