I should be working. I have so much to do. Running my own business, plus my full time day job, and my daughter keep me so busy. But I had to write to you, without actually writing to you. Because I know that I shouldn’t meddle. Plus, Squishy is so perfect for me. I don’t want to put anything in jeopardy with him, or anyone else. So, here I am. In my hiding space. Running. Needing to spew the thousands of thoughts, memories, and pains that have been consuming my mind lately.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired. Maybe it’s because it’s almost the anniversary of when you proposed. Maybe, just maybe, I miss you a little bit still. But you have nothing on Squishy. He’s real. You never were. He understands commitment and love, trust, respect, and relationships. He thinks I am more important than a bottle, or pills. He honors me. You can’t even begin to comprehend that type of love.
This. Song. Kills me. Every. Time. I HEAR IT. Every. Time. Ugh.
Mostly because it describes exactly how life was with you. You were in a burning house of destruction, and everything in me knew I should be far, far, far away when you imploded.
I’m sorry for all the hurt i caused, and the anger inside of you. I wish that I could have been strong enough, or different enough, or good enough to fix you. Silly. I know. But it’s how I feel.
Thank you for everything you gave me, and everything you did. You changed me, and made me the person I am today. You made me better, and stronger, and more capable of love. You taught me about the world.
For some reason I am seaking your approval on my life. But I don’t need it. I don’t need you. I don’t want you in my life, so why do your thoughts and feelings suddenly feel so important? I just want “you” to leave me alone. Everything that happened haunts me still.
I know some day I will be just fine. But tonight I’m sad. Tonight I wish I could fix things. Not because I want you, but because I feel like I failed you. I wasn’t enough to get you out of your burning house. I wasn’t enough to save you. I walked away when I realized that I was not enough. I’m sorry.
I hope someday you will forgive me.
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