I am a constellation of stars that have fallen apart, and there exists only the slightest bend in my burn that might set me aright.
There are fortunes and names attributed to my frame, yet none of those that see me through their lens recognize the full burden of my measure – of my grain.
That I am beyond the moons and their dunes.
I am beyond asteroids on their aimless journey through the void.
I am beyond your understanding, your comprehension, your instruments and satellites.
There is Libra.
There is Taurus.
Capricorn and Orion.
While I – I am Gemini.
Speak of the choreographed madness that is the trajectory your sphere now winds, and stare skyward to cast wishes upon a star burning brightly within the plasma it is bind.
There exists still a magnetism between the orbit I once held so certain in our shared space and time, just as it appears flared out and drawn ever weighty by the gravity of the moments that fell the framework of our celestial design.
As you wish upon stars shooting across your Winter sky, I too find myself wishing that you too are missing what was our solar flare – a stellar captivation between you and I.
There are motes of light that set sailors on fragile vessels with the confidence of truth in course and direction without the clarity of forward sight, and that has been my long-standing duty that I have honored each and every night.
Yet now as I wander without proper structure, without a weighted function, and without the burden of expectation I do find – that there is a certain freedom within the chaos of choices from new voices without all the noises I held close to me for ages untimed.
My dear terrene soldier, did you know the larger the star the more fuel we consume and the faster we die? We burn brightly for you and light up your sky with internal nuclear explosions of hydrogen and helium that will ultimately be the end of our life.
And then you shall look to another as we only exist in memory and your mind.
Perhaps your heart but no longer your sight.
I have been a sentinel for the expanse of my existence.
I have observed your falls, your grace, and the determination to move forward while always wishing to me there were few precious moments of star-crossed love you wish you could rekindle and rewind.
I find now that perhaps I understand what it is to choose. What it is to move with the oceans. How to be fluid. What it means to be human.
What it means to love with your center mass, with your everything, with the swollen heart of your falling star.
With your life.
I finally understand what it means to love.
And to die.
I will ultimately end in a cascade supernova.
I will be radiant with radiation funneled into the void.
Today is my best friend’s birthday. Right before my last surgery almost a year ago to the date Steve walked in and surprised me while I was in pre-op getting the IV and meeting with the nurses and anesthesiologist and the surgeons. He knew I was terrified because I’d never done it without Shayla being in my life, and despite having work and just getting married, me missing the wedding, and everything else, he walked in. Just showed up. And he stayed and spoke to the doctor afterward. I knew when I saw him I would be good. We’ve known each other since high school so about 23 years now.
When people you love are going through difficulties, you don’t leave them. Even when they do not know how to believe in anything let alone themselves. That is when they need you most. You stay. You love. You rebuild.
That is honor and loyalty and the truth of sincerity which is the very fabric of deep love.
I am excited that I truly am finding my way back to that, and thank each and every one of you that have loved me through it all. Thank you for standing by me. It hasn’t been easy, and I haven’t been my best in the past three years, but I know I’m worth it.
I will never abandon you.
I will walk through fire for you if I love you. And I will earn that love. I will earn that trust. I will suffer whatever consequences are necessary to earn it. Because when you find someone special, truly different and worthwhile, when you find someone amazing you hold onto them hard. You don’t let go.
Such people do not come along very often.
Don’t let go of them even when they push you away.
You will be rewarded by through your efforts.
Sad to hear about Steve Weiland’s passing.. Alright, you crazy kids, go out there and make someone smile. It’s not hard to do. Promise. I make it a goal of mine everyday to attempt to have everyone I interact with smile. :)
Feedback is adored.
(The video at the top is me reading the poem cause some of you actually like my voice or some nonsense, but it also has a humorous story of or homage to Steve thrown in at the end. Enjoy!)