I’m three years clean yesterday from cutting. I still think about it every day, especially this past month or two. Not so much the anniversary itself, but wanting to use, I’m in this shitty office job full of right wing christians, and it’s horrible. I hate it. I hate the people. I hate the work. I hate that I don’t get to see my friends or do the things I love to do. I’m just stuck. And I’ve been trying since August to get a new job, but I’ve been unsuccessful. Since I lost out on a job opportunity back in the beginning of November, I’ve just felt myself slowly unravel at the fact that I’m stuck back at square one.
I feel like I am back in high school: socially isolated, stuck in some pedantically dull routine with set schedules, etc. I dread waking up every day now. I dread having to sit at a computer for eight hours per day. I hate having to go to lunch at a certain time. I hate not being able to feel the air outside. I hate being forced to do this shit for a paycheck. I hate being stuck at home with my parents who rant about the neighbours non-stop. This isn’t a life. It’s an existence. And all those people lie to themselves and say it is every single day. And I’m stuck. I know the root cause of everything, but I keep trying to get out, yet I’m powerless.
I cracked open a shaving razor a few weeks back; kept it in a book safe. I’m trying every alternative there is to keep from using it. But if I don’t get out of this life soon, I will use it.
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