So I’ve had this lifelong dream of being a nurse. It wasn’t until the ripe old age of 29 did I begin pursuing my dream. It took 3 and a half years of hard work and sacrifice but just before Halloween this year, I got accepted into the Practical Nurse program at my local community college.
Then, today, it got rescinded.
You see, I smoke pot. I’m what you call a functional stoner. I have a real life. I make good grades. I pay taxes and volunteer for Toys For Tots. I do all those things, and I enjoy half a joint before dinner and half after. It relaxes me and allows me to fall asleep, along with some melatonin.
Anyway, I used fake pee. Big Mistake. It came back as synthetic. I fucked up.
So I smoked a big ol joint and decided it was my last. I lost what was most dear. This feels like rock bottom. I have to make a change.
So I write. I don’t care if anyone reads it but I have to get it out of my head.
I fucked up so big. SO BIG. it’s all that keeps echoing in my head.
I wonder why Linda Wagner wants to meet with me tomorrow morning. I’m not worried about it. It’s probably just a formality. Here’s your paper, have a nice day. I just hope it doesn’t bar me from applying again to the PN or RN program. I don’t see why it would but this is a small town and the same lady runs them both.
How could I be so ..... naive as to think they wouldn’t know? Stupid. Arrogant.
Everyone says they’re sorry. It’s all they can say when someone fucks up this big.
I have to admit, it stopped being fun for me a long time ago. I haven’t gotten the giggles in years, it just makes me spacey, yet focused, and a bit depressed, tbh. John said that a long time ago and it’s echoed in my head ever since.
So here is where I start over. Here starts my sobriety. I already don’t drink b/c I find the taste abhorrent. I’m not a fan of pills, tho I do enjoy hallucinogenics. However, that happens once every few months so it’s no big deal to “quit” that. Weed, however, is my solace. Even tho it makes me a little depressed, the solace I feel when I hit a joint is home. Fuck this sounds like heroin.
I wish there wasn’t several pounds of cannabis sitting 50 ft from me. I think it would make things a whole lot easier.
I had already decided I was going to quit my job when I got accepted into the PN program and I”m still going to do that. I’m going to spend Dec, Jan, and most of Feb detoxing, until I can pass a piss test on my own. I’ve been working full time and going to school, often simultaneously, for so long, I need some down time. I need to make some changes.
I need to break up with Rick but that’s a whole ‘nother story.
fuck i’m stupid.
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