I just don't know what to do. I mean, I'm not ready to start dating yet (obviously) but I miss having someone to talk to (and I miss touching someone, the feel of skin on skin). Still, every time I try to talk to someone I don't seem to know where the boundaries are. That was one of the foundations of our relationship- we talked about everything -no matter how big or small, no matter how beautiful or gross, no matter how exultant or bitchy, but now it seems every time I try to talk to someone I feel like I'm crossing some line and I don't even know it until they clam up.
I used to be good at this. After growing up isolated in a cult, I worked hard to learn how to relate to people. Now......it seems like I've lost it. And that may not be anyone's fault but mine.
I started cutting people out a couple years back when I started holding people to higher standards and now I only have a few friends. My social skills have atrophied. I want to make new friends, I NEED to make new friends. I'm not looking for a relationship but I desperately need to know that I can still connect with new people......but I hate people. They annoy the CRAP out of me. And I'm pretty sure, based upon the fact that I can't find my filter, that I annoy the crap out of them. I mean hell, I annoy the crap out of me.
I feel that if I ever do want to have a relationship that I just don't have anything to offer anymore. I used to be good looking, intelligent, charming, witty and upbeat. Now I feel like I'm just worn out, tired and bitter. My best friend said today that this is normal, but I feel like I've fallen so far. I started working out again but even when I do lose the 30 lbs I need to lose, my personality is so fucked (everything I observe seems like complete crap and I can't stop bitching about it) that who's going to want me now?
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