At 10:30p, I got home and you didn’t ask if I made it back
at 11p I sat on L’s bed and I cried until the gin in my blood surely came out my eyes, mixing with our scents in my mouth
at midnight I begged A- but is it really considered begging after the way I begged you last night?- to smoke, but he said he wouldn’t enable me bc he could tell I was “a stone’s throw away from being self-destructive” (he was right)
at 12:30 I finally crawled into bed and cried as quiet as I could, hesitant to relieve the cloth feeling in my mouth bc it might be the last time I’ll ever taste you
at 1a I couldn’t take it anymore, so I tried to read, but it was no use
around 2a I finally fell asleep
at 3:58a I woke up from a nightmare that someone was smashing my favorite coffee mug and for a second I was amused bc I knew you’d be the only one to understand why it WAS a nightmare, but then remembered you weren’t speaking to me
at 4:05a I had to sit up bc all the tossing and turning and crying and leftover gin made me nauseous and the lack of eating was making my heart work even harder which just added to the nausea
at 5a I rolled over onto his chest and sobbed and he hugged me in his sleep and rubbed my back for no longer than 4 seconds, which just made me feel worse bc I wished he were you with your impeccable comforting skills, but you were the reason I was crying
at 8a I looked in the mirror and wondered if you would still find me beautiful with puffy red-lined eyes and purple swollen lips from the way we kissed (finally, it only took 4 and a half years, but then again, look what happened, after…)
now it’s 11:11, I shit you not, and I’m making a wish like you taught me to do, that your meeting goes well and you get good news and that you want to share it with me
My chest constricts every time my phone buzzes, I have checked my phone no less than 200 times this morning alone, and even though you didn’t care you were hurting me (and you know you still are), if you do text, I know I will reply faster than it takes light to travel around this God forsaken planet
I AM sorry.
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