I’ve been talking with my therapist a lot ab out masturbation. I get the impression that regular healthy masturbation is her normal suggestion for people that visit her with sexual problems like my own. When she brought it up for the very first time, I quickly told her that I don’t masturbate because my religion forbids it. She showed what I interpreted to be disappointment, and then reminded me that the medical profession considers masturbation to be healthy.
During other sessions, masturbation would come up and I would either remind her that I don’t do it or she would remember on her own. Then she would make a quick statement about how she will support my beliefs, but still thinks that masturbation would be good for me.
Two visits ago, I confessed to her that I’d been laying in bed in the mornings with a strong urge to touch myself. I thought she would just encourage me to do it, but instead we spent the whole session discussing my feelings about it and why I choose not to. At the end, I told her that I don’t honestly see what’s so wrong about it, but I’m trying to be obedient to what my church teaches me. She understands that if I did it, I would feel guilty and want to confess to my husband and the church. She told me to spend the next few days thinking about the pros and cons of masturbating and keeping it a secret.
I thought about it a lot. I knew I would feel guilty about keeping it a secret. But I also know how badly I want to do it. I want to have my therapist say that it’s something I need to do whether my church tells me I can or not. I knew that wouldn’t happen. I knew she wouldn’t force me to do anything, that it would have to be my choice.
My last appointment with her was Friday. One Friday morning, I laid in bed and played with myself for more than an hour. I had a really great time doing it and had lots of pleasure. The first words out of my mouth when I saw her later that day were a confession of what I’d done, and then telling her I wasn’t going to admit it to anyone other than her.
She asked me if I was going to keep doing it, and I said yes. I’ve made the decision and I’m struggling a little with guilt, but I’m going to do it anyway.
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