I hate sleeping alone every night. I’m not going to complain that Jayson has a job and that he can support a family of five without me working. I think that’s great. I just really wish he was home at night with me so I wasn’t alone in this huge house with the kids. And it’s really not just the lonesomeness of being in bed without him, it’s the fact that I get a little scared not having him around if I hear something outside. I didn’t feel that way when Rachel was here, but now that I’m alone it’s different.
Three weeks ago my therapist and I agreed to cut out sessions down to just once per week. I thought it was a good idea, but I immediately missed having her influence more regularly and this week I started seeing her twice again. I think Jayson was bothered when I told him that because he sees it as a sign that I’m still really struggling. The truth is that I think I have my problems under control. But I do believe that the reason I have it under control is because of the regular conversations I have with my therapist and I don’t want to risk anything. The consequences are too serious.
We’ve hit out one-year point in the church, and we sat down with the Bishop today to discuss plans to get married in the temple next November. I am officially off probation and was given a calling to work in Relief Society. I was a little disappointed I’m no longer working with the young women, but I don’t doubt it is because of the sexual nature of my sins.
They’re doing a major construction project near our home and I’ve been enjoying taking photos of it and sending them to Rachel. They are demolishing a giant bridge that didn’t go over water but was a bypass for traffic over a congested area. It completely changes the look and feel of our neighborhood and there are a lot of complaints about the impact on traffic. I think I’m happy about it, both because the bridge was an eyesore and because some scary people would sometimes hang out under the bridge and it made me afraid to walk by it.
Oh, the most important update, this should have been my first paragraph. I called my mom last night. Cheryl answered and said my mom was taking a bath and I could call her back in the morning. Instead I ended up talking to Cheryl for more than an hour. To be clear, I call her by her name frequently to distinguish her from my mom, but I do think of her also as my mom and usually call her mom to her face.
I was sure she had already heard from my sisters about my reluctance to visit on Thanksgiving because of their nudism, but I said to her anyway as if she didn’t know. We talked about it for a while. She made the argument I expected that she didn’t agree that I should be teaching my kids that the naked body needs to be covered. I told her that I understand how she feels and I know we’re just always going to disagree about that point. But I flatly told her I don’t want my kids to see their grandmothers naked. I could almost hear her shrug over the phone, and then she said it wasn’t a big deal and they could put clothes on while we’re visiting.
Really? It was that easy? Now I have to find a way to buy plane tickets for Thanksgiving. I would be searching now but I don’t believe in shopping on Sunday.
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