I figure it’s safe to assume that most of you can remember the Disney movie Aladdin with some detail. Well in the movie the villainous Jafar dons a magical disguise to become an old, bone-thin man to lead Aladdin out of prison and to the Cave of Wonders. That is exactly how one of the new guys on our unit looks. But to really get the effect you have to imagine him talking like Jeb Clampett from Beverly Hillbillies.
“I’m just a beer drinkin Christian from Tenn-naw-see,” he told me the first time I met him.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Well we like to get drunk and then read the Bible.”
“Oh…” I said. “That’s got to make Bible study more interesting.”
“Yeah, especially when guys get to tussling.”
After that I pretty much stayed away.
Until yesterday.
I was standing in the lobby of our Unit waiting to be released for the lunch meal. The day had already been a challenge. I spent an hour exercising only to come back and discover that we had no showers until 4 p.m. So already I’m sticky and in a grumpy mood. I’m talking to my friend James, when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn and there’s Mr Clampett.
“You read a lot?” he asked.
Figuring that he’d learned I’m the compound book guru and he’s looking for a recommendation I tell him I do.
“Whatcha read?”
“Mostly horror, fantasy and European/English thrillers.”
“Oh, well I’m a Christian,” he said.
“You’ve mentioned it.”
“Well, see, I have this Bible, it’s black leather and the New King James version. I ordered one Bible but the company sent me this one instead. See they have this policy where they can substitute another version of equal or greater value if your order isn’t available. So this one is actual leather and not Naugahyde. I also have a full color New King James, have you ever heard of a color Bible? But I’ve got it and it’s pretty good.”
For the next twenty minutes he tells me all about his collection of Bibles and the different publishing houses that offer leather editions.
At some point, I’m pretty sure I fell asleep in the middle of his lecture, because the next thing I know he’s talking about how facts can change but scripture is truth and how the notes in many Bibles are just not accurate.
To my great relief, the call to send us to Chow comes over the intercom and I lose him in the crowd.
An hour later, I’m sitting at my desk listening to Fall Out Boys and I get the feeling I’m being watched as I work. I look to my right and Clampett is standing there smiling at me. In his hand is his color bible.
“I thought you’d like to see this version.”
“Please God No,” I think, even as my mouth said, “Sure.”
So there went another hour of my day.
Finally, I get him to leave and I go back to writing my novel. At 7 that evening, I head to the phone to call Mom. Clampett’s cube is across from the phone bank so as I’m standing in line waiting for a phone to open up, I hear a voice calling me. It’s him. Again.
“Come here a second.” he said.
I should have said, “No I’m busy.”
Instead I go over to him.
“I want you to see this,” he said. “Because you’re an educated man and there aren’t many of those round here in this shit-hole. Especially the guards-ooowhee-let me tell you about them guards.”
And for the next five minutes he does. Then, just as he’s winding down and I’m hoping he’s forgotten that he wanted to show me something, he pulls out his Bibles.
“Look at this one, he said. “It’s got this index where you can pick any word in a verse, go to the back and see everywhere else that word appears in this Bible. So pick a word,” he tells me.
“I don’t care, you find one.”
“Okay, okay…how’s about uncircumcised, he said.
Not a word I’d have chosen out of thin air, but I go with it.
(In case you are wondering it only appears once in the Bible which is one more time than I expected.)
“Now let me show you this, and he turns to the Book of Romans and suddenly I’m in the middle of a personal sermon on the evils of homosexuality. “Read this out loud to me,” he said pointing at a line.
I really don’t want to, but he’s staring at me with crazy preacher eyes, so I start mumbling.
“Louder,” he said. “Oh never mind, I’ll do it,” he said and goes into street preacher mode.
I look around, trying to find a way out of this. You see, I honestly feel that people can do and believe whatever they want, but as soon as they start pushing their ideas on me I get very uncomfortable and angry. My own beliefs have developed over 37 years of study and observation. No one is going to change my views without years of careful discussion that I instigate.
So when this goofy Old Testament wannabe starts up on the vile men and women defying God’s nature and destroying society schtick, my first instinct is to walk away. Seeing as I’m the only person around-of-course-and needing to do this tactfully so it doesn’t come back to haunt me later, I search for ideas.
1. Tell him I have to poop -- no, he'd just follow me.
2. Change subjects using the "Ooo look a squirrel" method - no, we're in a cement block cube devoid of distractionable things.
3. Fake a seizure - tempting, but he'd likely think it was just God's presence upon me and start speaking in tongues or whip out a pair of rattlesnakes...I hate snakes.
4. Tell him Mom's expecting my call -- YES!!
“This is all interesting, but I need to call my Mom,” I said during one of his scarily infrequent pauses to breathe.
“You’re Momma’s important, but God wants you to hear this and she’d want you to listen,” he said and blabbers on.
“No, probably not,” I think, then it dawns on me – Maybe Clampett’s doing this because he thinks I’m gay.
“Why does everyone think I’m gay?!” I really want to scream. “I’m not gay. Men are nasty. Vagina is beautiful. Yeah, Vagina’s!” But I don’t.
Clampett pulls out an essay he hand copied from some academic source and a pamphlet on 7th Day Adventists. “Read these,” he said. “Now go call your Mama.”
He doesn’t have to tell me twice.
Later, his crazy stuff tucked away under my own Bible where they can’t do any harm, I can’t get the encounter out of my mind. I feel dirty having just listened to such hatefulness. I don’t understand why men like that feel they are good Christians. All they are doing is alienating people and giving God a bad name.
God forgives. End of story.
Sin is sin and I’m pretty sure as long as you aren’t sacrificing puppies to Satan while wearing your neighbor’s head as a hat, you’ll be okay in the end.
That’s what I believe.
Don’t try and change it.
Loading comments...