I am doing as well as I could be considering the circumstances. I had a midwife appointment yesterday and it was nice to talk with her about our birth and our son. It was also comforting to hear her say that it was normal to want to conceive again quickly, I honestly think I mentally need to... At times I feel like it is wrong to want "another" baby so soon... I hate the word, another. I don't want a replacement baby - I want my son - the same son who lived inside me for 37 weeks. I want the beautiful baby boy whose sonogram picture is still the background of my phone. I want to hold my son and nurse him (yeah, my milk came in today...). I want to see Adam hold him. I want to put him in his crib and his car seat and all the clothes we got him and I want to show him to the pets and I want to do all of the things you're supposed to do when you bring your brand new baby home. What I don't want is to go out in public only to have people ask me "when is your baby due?". That happened three times already. I get it - I still look pregnant. I still have a belly - I JUST had a baby 3 days ago... but I have no baby in my arms so all the public sees is my belly, my still pregnant looking belly. I don't want to make milk - for the first time ever, I want my body to NOT make milk. I never thought I would want my breast milk to go away, that''s like a sin in my world, to wish away breast milk. It hurts, physically and mentally, it is a constant reminder that my baby is gone. I don't want people to tell me they "lost a baby too" ... I'm sorry, but your early miscarriage is NOT losing a BABY, it is miscarrying an embryo or a fetus - I know, it hurts, I have miscarried before. But your miscarriage is NOTHING like me being 37 weeks pregnant and going into labor thinking everything was fine then delivering my dead, decomposing son. It was terrifying, he was literally falling apart in my mothers hands. His head was swollen from being dead inside of me and his skin was falling off... Unless this has happened to you, please do not assume you "know what I am going through" - you don't. Even my family can not begin to understand... My mom, Adam and myself - we are the ONLY people who saw my son in this condition, we know nothing could have been done to save him so please don't ask if I think going to the hospital would have made the outcome any different, it wouldn't have. He was gone and had been gone for a few days - he was small, he was smaller than Beau and Beau was born at 31 weeks and weighed 3lbs 4oz. This baby was unable to be weighed. Why? Because he was literally falling apart.
I know people mean well, I really do. But honestly what I want most right now is just someone to vent to. I want to say the exact same things over and over. I want to say how much I want him here - I know you can't give him back to me, but I want to say it. I want to tell you that I don't want to do this anymore... yes, I know I have to. I know I have to go forward, but I constantly say "I can't do this" and "I don't want to do this anymore"... I know I can, and I will. But I want you to just listen. Don't tell me you understand, I know you don't understand... but I also know you hurt too. You hurt for me. It is a different hurt than what I feel, but you still feel pain for me and for my loss. I am appreciative for that.
We named our son Callum. Callum means dove. We had no name for him before he was born. We considered names (Levin, Cash, Hollis, Cyrus), but once we saw him we knew that none of those names were his. He needed something peaceful and calm and quiet, just like him. We chose Callum and Adam gave him his middle name, Marshall. I think it is so special that Adam wanted to use his middle name for him. He never got to hold Callum, he never knew him outside of my belly, but he loves him just as much as I do. I know he does - I see his pain and feel his hurt every time I look at him. His son was taken away from him at the exact same time he became a father... it was cruel. It is not fair for this to happen. His son, his first child, never took a breath on this earth. I have Beau so I already knew how much love one could have for their child. I now know that you love your second child (and all of your children) just as much as the first. You love them unconditionally before you know them. Honestly, when I first became pregnant, I wasn't sure I could love anyone as much as I love Beau, but now I realize there is no way you couldn't love all of your children just that much. I keep asking when this pain will stop. I know it never will. I know I have two children now. One is sitting here beside me and one left before he was ever actually here. I love them both and no matter what I always will. My heart will always ache for Callum and he will always be my son. Eventually there will be a day when I don't cry all the time, my belly will go back to normal and I won't look pregnant. My milk will dry up and physically the reminders if my pregnancy will disappear. My life will go on, but it will be forever changed. I am a mother of two children. One son who lives beside me on earth and one who does not.
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