I hate it when I go this long without updating because then I feel like I have so much to say, but I have a short attention span for writing and I never get it all out.
After months of not talking, Megan texted me last week and said “Lauren and I are thinking of moving to CA. You should go went too so we can reunite the sisterhood out there.”
It was such a weird message to get from her after all that time, considering she knows how angry I am at her. No apology or anything, just a random comment about moving. I thought about all the angry things I wanted to write back to her, but it made me sad to have all those thoughts. So I texted: “I miss you.”
My phone rang almost immediately after that, and we talked for more than an hour. I got the apology I was hoping for, but she most apologized for getting me drunk, not for the fact that she encouraged me to have sex with a complete stranger. She wouldn’t take responsibility for that, and kept telling me how much I wanted it. I blamed her for getting me drunk and she said that I’d only had two mixed drinks and a shot of tequila, and I wasn’t really all that drunk.
It brought back memories of that night. Sitting in the bar begging her to find someone who would have sex with me in the restroom. I did want it. I wanted it very badly. The problem with my sex addiction is that the moment I let my guard down a little bit (like with alcohol), I can’t resist how much I want sex. My memory of being blacked-out drunk was a self defense. I knew what I was doing.
I told her she should have talked me out of it and she insisted that she tried. Again, a memory came back to me that I didn’t know I had. In the end, I felt guilty because, although she’s not blameless, I realized a lot of things that I was holding her accountable for were actually my fault.
At church, I have been officially removed from my probation. We had a meeting with the bishop and confirmed things are going a lot better between Jayson and me and that I’ve repented.
I continue to see my therapist twice per week. We have agreed on a treatment schedule that involves seeing her twice a week for the rest of the year and once a week for all of 2016. At the end of next year we’ll decide if it can be less frequent, but I do really feel like I need her influence in my life right now. I don’t talk a lot about therapy but I’m sure I wouldn’t be where I am right now without her.
We’ve set a goal to be married in the temple next November, and I’m going to work hard to make sure I’m ready.
I am completely 100% urinary incontinent again. I don’t really want to talk about it, just pointing out that hasn’t changed since my last update.
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