Well this is my futzing life. in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

I’m not going to lie to you all, I have felt the need to write recently....And with everything going on it’s just…a total cluster fuck. And like I said I have not got the slightest idea of where to begin. And it’s all a god damn mess and it’s all fallen apart but why the fuck not just write it all down now....before I completely snap and become a nomad. So I’ll give you all the short version.

So the first BIG thing....Got evicted. Yeah…Fuck me right? Got behind on mortgage apparently due to the extra strain from my sister being there and never helping with anything. So we contacted lawyers to try and work something out, but the lawyers stiffed us and while they werent returning our calls and shit the bank sold the house so zippidy do da. I found a place to go that was cheap and closer to work, but cancelled on that to help my mother out in affording a new lil place that would take the dogs. Got moved in and shit. My father is staying at a family friends place until the 9th when his apartment becomes available. Parents are divorcing. Dad is being a dick to my mother, my mother is super depressed and being irrational and stubborn as hell, and nothing I say matters. I cant say anything to anybody or else it bites me in the ass because tehy behave like children and twist or use my words against the other which puts them after me. My mother is talking about the only way for her to escape him is to leave the state. Ok sure whatever I get that. But be smart about it. She wants to take a bus west, with no money, no place to stay, and no job. Which is shit, because now she doesnt want to pay the rent for this next month at the place we are at, because she is planning on leaving the 1st of November. So wtf am I supposed to do huh? Exactly, so I am scrounging desperately to pay at least the rent for this month, and shes talkign about maybe finding a place closer to the family friends place for me. Oh wait…I can’t afford a place on my own. Oh and she wants to get rid of the dogs too before she goes. Which fuck me. Those are my dogs too. So thats more heartache.
So now lets get to a part that will probably make me look like an asshole but i dont give a fuck because everything about my life has fucking crumbled apart, so what do I have to lose? Nothing…exactly. So who gives a shit.
So not too long ago met a chick at work. She was very cool. Talked to her got to know her. She did the advancing. Asked me for my number and shit. etc. etc. so things sorta took off from there. She actually was the one that got me that place that i was going to stay at. I was my usual amazing self. I supported her. Helped her. She had seem some serious shit..and when i say serious i mean it. Like she was scared many nights, and guess who she video called to make her feel safe…which i answered and talked to her until she fell asleep or stayed up the entire night regardless of work the next morning…BECAUSE IM THE FUCKING GOOD GUY. And eventually she feeds me bullshit about not being ready for a relationship all the while compeltely leading me on and relying on me for support and shit and then today she tells me she fucked someone else, and apparently likes another person a lot and is pursuing them for a relationship. HA…fuck me right. Heaven forbid the good guy be worth an actual shot. Heaven forbid the person that stands by you supports you and helps you be the type of person you want to try and build something with. Because who wants that? Yeah…fuck all fo that so I am hurt and pissed about that, because she fucking played me. And I told her very early on “Don’t play me, don’t toy with me, and dont lie to me” She pretty much did all 3. Shit fucking hurts. Makes me feel useless again. Reminds me why i havent tried to date at all. Because people are flaky. And cant be trusted. People are so....pathetic. No consistency. No honesty. No compassion. Im better than these people.

Anyway so fuck her. But there is some good as far as ladies are concerned. Jassmine has been amazing and super supportive through all of the shit going on in my life. Problem is she lives too far away. We are trying to meet up at a haunted hotel thing in like 2 weeks. And she’s trying to get me up her way for like a weekend. Her mother suggested I come Thanksgiving weekend. Which is shocking to me. I have hopes for things with her, but with all the shit in my life going how it is....I’m nervous and I don’t see any way out of this hell hole nightmare I am stuck in.

Talked to B a little bit the other day. Idk whats going on there. I know it’s stupid and probably pathetic, but ....she means a lot to me even after everything....I am hoping that maybe she could bring me some happiness in having her back. She was essentially my best friend for a long time. Like when we were talking the other day....it was....immediately good. We talked like we always have, even despite all the bullshit. So we will see about that.

Idk what to do with my life anymore. It’s all shit. My life is a futzing nightmare. I just have no clue as to what to do with my life. I see no real hope. No way out. Nothing but heartache and pain. And worry. And stress. I am soo burned out people....like you have no idea. I have NEVER broken down at work, and tomorrow…i am worried that I will.

Might be considering this hair cut

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Last updated October 02, 2015