Did the Air Force 10K a couple weekends ago. Jogged some, walked some, got done in just less than an hour and a half (not bad, not good). Amanda was with me–it was hard but it was fun. Thought I’d mention that even though this entry is going in a totally different direction.
I am frustrated with my counselor. I didn’t really say anything about it here, but…
I’ve also been having nightmares worse than I can remember. I keep waking Cori up because I’m wailing or crying, and I don’t want to think about the possibility of the guy upstairs getting woken up, too.
But basically… I’ve mentioned how I don’t think my counselor is hearing me. She reminds me of Wendy (an old manager), always placing affirmations in weird places as if she’s not paying attention. Usually you wait until a full thought is completed before saying “Mm-hmm” or you wait for a pause; Wendy did neither, always placing her “mm-hmm”s in odd places that would always jar me and disrupt the cadence of a normal conversation. My counselor, Marie, does the same thing.
But the thing that got me was 3 weeks ago, Cori attended my appointment with me, and I mentioned my abortion following the rape when I was 14. I KNOW I have mentioned the abortion to her at least 3 times beforehand, and the third time I spent a good 15 minutes explaining how it went, how it affected me, how it just added to the stress (finding out I was pregnant right before 9/11 and then not hearing from Dad for days after). I also mentioned how even though I have had a couple gynecologists tell me that they highly doubt the abortion had anything to do with my endometriosis and subsequent ovarian cancer, I told her that I couldn’t help but feel like those problems arose as punishment, even though I don’t regret the abortion. And I still don’t.
Now, maybe it was because this time I actually used the phrase “terminated a pregnancy as a result of the rape” to her, and I didn’t say abortion, but after that sentence she said “This is the first time I’ve heard of this; I didn’t know you had terminated a pregnancy.” And I just got so flustered… I didn’t even know how to answer. I told her I had mentioned it. I mentioned it when she sat in on one of my last meetings with my previous counselor, Jen, and I mentioned it the first time I met with Marie, and a couple sessions later when I found out that Heather was pregnant. I cancelled my appointment yesterday and I don’t know if I want to reschedule. I don’t know if I want to keep seeing anyone, but I certainly don’t want to say to Marie’s face (even though everyone, she included, has told me that counselors don’t mind and that part of a working relationship between patient and counselor means you get along with each other) that I want to switch counselors. Then I’ll just have to spend months again before I open up. I’ve barely opened up to Marie. I opened up more to Jen and in less time.
Heather’s baby shower is this weekend. I am excited, don’t get me wrong. But a lot of my nightmares involve… babies… like… well, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I doubt Cori and I will have kids. We’ve been talking about it because even though we’re not trying to have a kid right now, and we would be irresponsible to do so at this point anyway, we do talk about the future. And as I’ve mentioned before, we want to get engaged, get married, buy a house, and I’m going to be 29 next year and Cori will be 31. Not that we are old, but these things take time and I’m already considered someone who would have a high-risk pregnancy and add an advancing age to the mix and that will only spell trouble, and I don’t want to be older than 33 or 34 as a first-time mom. Both for personal and medical reasons.
But this morning I wailed in my sleep and Cori immediately grabbed me and held me. I had a dream that I was 6 months pregnant and I was sitting on the futon, reading a book, when I felt something was wrong. I was alone, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t scream, and next thing I knew, I had given birth to a dead baby.
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