The beginning of poly and Dan in PolyLife

It is only fitting that Dan start off the poly book because, in essence, he is where it all truly began. Dan and I dated for about 3 years. About 1 1/2 years into the relationship he told me he didn’t love me and couldn’t love me. He is incapable. Me being me, decided it was a good idea to stay with him. We’ll work things out, I love you, you’re my everything and I don’t want to let you go. So I stayed. We lived together for 2 years while we were at college. It was grand, everything was swell and we’re super compatible.

BUT..

He didn’t love me. And I couldn’t get over it. Here are tidbits of conversations between us that happened CONSTANTLY. (You’d think I’d get it.)

Was it me? No, Sandra it’s not you it’s me.
Am I bad girlfriend? No, Sandra. You’re honestly amazing. Beautiful, smart, caring, considerate, sexy, nerdy. I couldn’t ask for better. It’s me. I’m incapable.
But why? I don’t know Sandra. Trust me, I want to love you. I want to be head over heels in love with you and be everything you deserve. But, I can’t.
You really don’t love me? No, Sandra. I really don’t.

Awful right?

Yet I stayed for whatever reason. Anyway, in August 2014 he broke things off with me. Said it was for the best because he couldn’t stand to see me hurting. We were going to break up in Jan 2015 anyway, because he decided to up and move to California (a story for another day I guess). So we figured, let’s just wait it out and enjoy these last few months together.

Yeah, I wasn’t enjoying it. I hated every minute knowing that he was leaving and I couldn’t do anything about it. Because he didn’t love me. Especially not in the way I loved him. I was ready to spend my life with this kid. I thought that’s where it was going to go. But that obviously didn’t happen.

Anyway, he breaks up with me in August instead of January. Fine, whatever. I pull the usual Sandra shit, “Fine, whatever, I’m fine fuck off I need space.”
Meanwhile, I’m hurting bad. Everything hurts. And while I’m hurting (literally the day after he broke up with me), he throws a party at his place. So fuck me right?

Whatever, I decide to move on. Before Dan, I was in another relationship for 4 years. I haven’t been single in about 7 years. Since I was 14. I decide to enjoy my life and see where it takes me.

I go on some dates with some…interesting people.

Z and his girlfriend Janine are one of the dates I go on. I was super into Janine, she (I found out much later) was not at all into me (even though she’s the one who asked me to go out with them!). At this point I was looking for a couple. I wanted to be a third in a threesome. It isn’t as messy when you aren’t the one in the relationship.

Anyway, through them I learn about poly. They are the primary couple and they are allowed to have extraneous relationships (be it platonic, sexual, a little bit of both, etc). But, they are each other’s priority. It’s interesting and I love the idea. Z and I get close and he tells me his philosophy about poly or as he puts it “unpossessive love.”

Later on in the month, I meet J. J is into free love and poly and just doing whatever makes him happy and letting others do whatever makes them happy. He wants to have relationships and experiences with everyone in whatever capacity draws them together.

And so it begins. I decide to adopt this lifestyle of free love, me doing me, and enjoying the company of other people in whatever capacity works for us. I have multiple relationships with different people and every relationship is different and unique. Some say, “So you’re sleeping around?” And I mean, if that’s what you see it as then sure. Nothing to be ashamed of. But, I wouldn’t agree. Simply because some of my relationships had nothing to do with sex. For example, my relationship with Josh was very intimate. We talked and went out of dates. We were there for each other and supported each other. We talked about ourselves, our dreams, our life up to that point in time. But we never had sex. It was more than a friendship because there were intimate, romantic feelings there. But, it was more of an emotional connection that didn’t need a physical connection. What we wanted and needed from each other was that emotional tie to someone. Now take Cary. Cary was purely physical. He was my booty call. If I was horny at odd hours of the night, I knew he was there and vice versa.

So, I think it’s more than just sleeping around. If you don’t agree then that’s totally cool too. Just don’t judge. This is a judgement free zone.

Now, I’m at a loss of how to go about this book. I feel like I should write an entry about each person. But, at seems too rigid. I don’t know I’ll figure it out.

For now, I’m tired and want to take a nap.