It’s often the smallest comments and events that begin the sequence of tragedy or triumph. I think it’s rare to be aware just when the avalanche begins and that, by the time it becomes impossible to ignore, we see only consequences and prizes and not origins.
This week served as an example of this for both my Mom and me. In two separate incidents our past choices caused tremendous and unexpected change in both our lives. The dust has begun to settle and we are both climbing again to our feet amongst the rubble of what-once-was. But that’s okay. As with a raging prairie fire, in the end the land is renewed and things grow back stronger.
For me, this means a change of jobs. The joy I once felt in the library has been waning over the last few months, for many reasons and I’v been considering stepping away. The avalanche gave me the final nudge. And truthfully I’m glad it did. I’ve allowed stress to creep back into my life and it has eaten up the time in very unproductive ways. It’s been months since I’ve lost myself in my writing or been able to read without the gnawing feeling of “wasting time” eating at my conscience. I’ve again become a slave to an unpaying, unsecure and mostly thankless job. It is a place I’ve found myself before and one that does me no favors. So I’m taking steps to change my situation.
I spoke with my boss and while she was sad to see me go, perfectly understood my desire to shift gears as I approach the 1/2 way point (Jan 2017) of my sentence. She signed my job request form and is helping me to move over to the Recreation Department. There, I’ll work from 7:30 to 10:30 am, have much less responsibility and even the chance to make more money. This way I’ll get paid to exercise (as most jobs take less than one hour to complete and the rest of your shift is free time) and have time to read and write. I’ll get more sleep and have little staff interaction.
It’s perfect.
The first part of my prison time was really dedicated to helping other inmates, either as a tutor or as a librarian. It reminded me of how I once swore I’d live my life but quickly forgot in the face of real world responsibility. The time in Education did me a lot of good, re-centering my mind onto what is important to my spirit and not my checkbook. Now it’s time to take it further. When I first found out I’d be serving time, my Mom, wife and I had a long talk about how I can make the best of the situation. Together we decided that regardless of what job I was assigned, my real job while here was to be a writer. I promised her and myself that I would focus on writing novels and short stories that could someday be published. This way my years here can never be called wasted.
As I became more and more involved in the library, this conversation began to haunt me. Sure I helped keep and run a very good library, but how would that really benefit me in the future?
I already knew that I could run a business and hold together a team of people, so what skills was I learning? Truly, the answer was nothing. It was fun and it killed time but it came at the expense of my real job. My stories were there, unfinished in my locker as the greatest opportunity of my life to work on them uninterrupted by the world just passed me by!
My marriage may be over but that doesn’t cheapen the advice my Mom and wife gave me. So, after climbing back to my feet after my personal avalanche knocked the wind out of me, I swore to make some changes:
More writing
Better writing
More exercise
More family and friends
More personal fun and reflection time
If the avalanche hadn’t come, I think I’d have gotten here eventually, but I’m glad it happened sooner than expected. I feel lighter and more positive already. I’m excited to turn my back on prison politics and concerns and focus 100% on me.
My Mom’s situation. Well to be honest, it sucks. Someone she loved and trusted betrayed her and in doing so started a shit-storm in her life. It’s calmed now and lessons were learned, but as everyone knows heartbreak takes a looong time to heal, especially when it’s unexpected and no fault of your own. Mom doesn’t deserve this kind of crap and I wish I could make it go away. I have confidence though that she’ll pull through, listen to me and find a good and loving man to share her Golden Years (even if I have to find her one myself!) (Too bad there aren’t Mail-Order Grooms)
Good times will prevail eventually. We both just need to be patient!
Until then, I’m going to keep on running from my avalanches.
And maybe buy a helmet.
Loading comments...