A handful of brief updates because I don’t feel like writing about any of this stuff in depth at this point:
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Jayson and I are still together. I was expecting him to move out when I got home from my trip, because that was essentially what he told me he was going to do. But instead we talked about it and he wants to stick around. I am both relieved and angry. I’m angry because I want him to just tell me he forgives me so we can move on, but instead he keep dragging it out and not quite being normal with me. We are sleeping in the same bed and we’ve had sex once since I’ve been home. I’m very accountable to him about everything now. I tell him everything I am doing and everywhere I am going. I want him to trust me again.
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Rachel and Guy are officially gone, and we’re getting used to having this whole house my myself. I miss her even more than I thought I would and I have called her everyday since I’ve been home. I’ve mentioned the possibility of moving to someplace smaller but Jayson doesn’t seem to want to think about things like that until the uncertainly of our marriage is resolved. I just want it to be resolved. And I don’t know what else to do to make that happen.
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I’m embarrassed to write about this, but it’s been on my mind. I have gained a bunch of weight in 2015. I’ve been thin my whole life, not super-tiny but average size. I am 5‘4” and have weighed about 120 since I was a teenager. My weight got up into the 140’s when I was pregnant. I stood on a scale this morning and weighed 148. I feel gross and fat and I don’t fit into almost any of my clothes. Nothing has changed in my lifestyle except the stress of everything I’ve been going through, and I can’t believe it’s caused such a dramatic weight gain.
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Next embarrassing subject: my incontinence problems have come back. I’m completely back to how I used to be with almost no bladder control. I am back to wearing diapers 24/7. My girls, the two oldest of my three children, who are both our of diapers, have taken to teasing me about it. I know they are just kids being kids, but it really upsets me. They talk about how mommy and the baby both wear diapers, and they laugh about it. Even though I’ve worn them for years, I feel much more humiliated about it now because I was so sure I wouldn’t ever have to wear them again. For so long I believed the problem was completely physical and now I’m wondering if this means it’s more psychological than anything.
Having shared all that, I’d really like to write a proper entry about my road trip with Rachel and what a good time we had together. I’ll get to that next time.
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