One year in Pregnancy

I was reminded (by TimeHop, of all things) that it’s been a year since my miscarriage. I went back in this journal to see if I still had the entry that I wrote about it and sure enough, there it was. September 4th, 2014. It’s Over.

It’s amazing to see how much things have changed since then. I went back and read the entry and I did tear up. Remembering those feelings, the loss of hope, the feelings of helplessness. The tears and the drinking and smoking to cope. The loss. It was all very hard and it’s amazing how raw those feelings are and how quickly they can creep up on you.

I had forgotten, however, that I had sent that baby (that I still feel was a little girl) out to sea. And that I very strongly felt that the Chinese Goddess Lin was watching over her. A year later, I’ve decided that that will forever be her name in my memory. Lin.

When I told Tim, he suggest that tonight we bury the jar that we made for her last year. It’s packed with herbs and soil and a spell that we wrote to send her off to be with the Goddess Demeter. Tonight we are going to bury it deep in the center of our garden and allow a candle to burn out over it. I think it’ll be the perfect way for us to obtain closure with everything that happened.

It’s incredible to me how much can change in a year. A baby that was lost early in the month is going to be remembered and honored through a baby that is due at the end of it. I hope Oliver decides to make his entrance into the world before the month is out, if only to honor his lost sibling. I would love for the feeling of loss in September to be replaced with a feeling of birth, rebirth, and growth.

I am feeling some sadness today, but more than that I’m experience a warm calm. Like everything has fallen into place. The wheel has come full circle. And everything will be all right. Because it will be. And it is.

Technically, I lost her a year ago yesterday. September 3rd, 2014. And her brother is due to arrive in just a few short weeks. Everything happens for a reason. The Wheel of the Year is ever turning. And we along with it.