Therapy in Earth and Sky

I had my appointment with Candice on Monday. Overall I feel like things went really well. I cried a lot. And I definitely felt better when I left than I did when I walked in. I feel like all I did was word vomit all over here for an hour while she took notes and asked me questions, but I could tell she was actively listening and genuinely gave a shit about what I had to say. She was supportive and responsive and I feel really comfortable talking to her, which I’m sure is really important. I couldn’t believe how nervous I was going into the appointment. She gave me some homework which I have yet to start… I think I’m afraid to sit down and do it.

She asked me to sit down with a piece of paper and make a list. She wants me to list all of my strengths as a daughter, partner, mother, and as a person. When she first asked me to do that I immediately started to cry because I couldn’t think of anything. It was a hard slap in the face when I realized that my self-esteem is so low that I couldn’t even think of one positive trait about myself. At first it made me really angry, but not I’m just sad about it. I’m going to make time on Saturday to sit down with myself and start the list.

She also wants me to pick up a book called, “Adult Children of Alcoholics”. She said that it’s really versatile in terms of various parental addictions, and that reading it might help shed some light on the way I feel about things and how I handle different stressors in my life. I’m going to order it today.

So, yeah. That’s where I’m at. I see her again on the 14th. In the meantime, she’s suggested that I start keeping a hand-written journal. I had mentioned to her that I never felt safe to do that in the past. Trust issues, feeling like I don’t deserve the privacy, being terrified of someone finding it and judging me… she said that growing up in a home where hiding kept me safe, the idea of “hiding” behind a journal made me feel trapped as an adult. Which is something I never considered, but makes a lot of sense to me. So I’m going to look for a journal that I really like and start writing in it, every day, even if it’s only a sentence.

I’m really glad that I decided to start seeing someone. I think it’s going to do my soul a lot of good.

In other news, baby boy is doing just fine. Measuring right at 36 weeks as of Tuesday and head down. I had about 2 hours of pretty intense contractions Monday night, but I think that was because Tim and I had pretty rough sex and I think it may have stimulated things. Of course it would be when I get my sex drive back that I’m plagued with painful contractions. Oh well. My midwife said not to worry and that sex is still totally fine, she would just recommend doing it during the day so that if I do have contractions like that again, it doesn’t keep me up at night.

We picked up some Evening Primrose Oil today so that Tim can start doing perineal massage on me. I really want to try and avoid a serious tear and my midwife swears by it. So we’ll start doing that nightly until the baby comes. We also picked up snacks and water for the hospital bag today and when we do laundry this weekend we’ll finish packing it. After this weekend, we will basically be 100% prepared for his arrival. Well, as prepared as you can be for first time parents, anyway.

I’ve got a pretty busy weekend coming up. Saturday is going to be a lot of cleaning, cooking, and laundry at home. Sunday morning I’m having breakfast with a girlfriend of mine, then my Godson’s 2nd birthday party, and then going to my aunt and uncles for dinner, assembling the family cradle, and watching that new Walking Dead series. I’m going to go to the salon and get my nails done somewhere in there as well. Momma needs some lovin’.

On that note, Momma also needs a nap. Have a lovely day, folks! :]