Karma Chameleon in My Unpredictable Life ...

If only I could gloat ...

If only I could fist pump the air and shout from the roof tops, "Neener Neener!"

If only I could utter the words, "How does it feel?"

If ...

If ...

If ...

But I can't for a couple of reasons ...

• A) I'm better than that.

• B) No one should ever have to suffer that pain. No matter how deserving they are of it. Sometimes, you can't understand the pain until you have felt it, lived it. Sometimes you can't understand the horror until it is confronting you in the face. Sometimes, being made to suffer is the only way to comprehend the suffering you have put others through.

• C) All of the above does not matter because it will always be a case of she did nothing wrong. It will always be "my" fault for not understanding enough and nothing will ever be able to change that opinion. "My" actions will never be forgivable and that's that.

So instead of thanking Karma for painting a picture I never could, instead of being happy that she now knows what it feels like to be on the receiving end, instead of wondering "what if?", I will sympathize. I know all too well having my hands tied and not being able to do a damn thing. I know all too well that sick to your stomach feeling that you are too late and she has possibly taken her own life. I've lived the unspeakable fear of a loved one wanting/attempting to kill herself.

I wish that on no one. No one deserves to live that. No one deserves it, period.

So no matter how poetically just it is that the tables have turned, (although a scant few weeks long friendship compares nothing to 23 years) I pray for peace for both parties involved. I pray for healing for both parties involved. I pray for LIFE for both parties involved.

And I pray for Simple Mind to hurry up and give us the option to block other members because I can't fully heal as long as her profile keeps popping up on the main page. I can't fully move forward knowing she is lurking in the shadows. Yes, I could go friends only or private. But why do I need to be the one to hide. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't want to lose a friendship that shaped me, molded me into the person I am today. I didn't want to throw 23 years away as if they never happened.

So I will not go into hiding.

I like it here and I plan to stay for the long haul.

Till next time ...