on passing in here

i don’t know if i have ever written specifically about it before…here or on od.

my mom passed in 2009. i was in college at the time, a sophomore. in dc.

she got sick when i was in high school, a junior i believe. we knew there was something medically wrong, but couldn’t tell at the time. i’m not sure if my dad and her knew, but they just said it was something in her lower stomach area. i didn’t think too much about it at the time, i guess i was naive. i went to school as usual, had stopped being on the wrestling team. took a lot of time with my classwork and international baccalaureate. plus, i don’t know if it was my culture, or upbringing, but it was more of a where are you going to college, not, are you going to college?

i’m not sure when, but i know it was during senior year that i was told that my mom had ovarian cancer. all i really remember is my showing me a note they had left for each of my teachers stating the facts and some other info. part of me was thankful, part of me was annoyed. stuff happens to everyone, but i felt like i didn’t want pity or things given to me just because of my mom’s illness.

at this time, my mom was going through chemo and she tended to act like her usual self. nothing really changed except for some appointments.

i went off to college in the fall of ‘99. back east to dc. luckily i made a great group of friends. strange because i don’t know that we would have become such a close group had we not been assigned to the same floor of the same dorm. one of my best friends to this day, grew up in los angeles and it took us 18 years to meet.

at this point my mom was doing alright. not great, but hanging in there. it wasn’t until the spring semester of my freshman year that she took a turn for the worse. at this point, i think she was basically on hospice care, even if nobody said it. i came home for the summer and it’s basically a blur. not just because of her health, but because it’s so long ago now.

i went back to school and my sister stayed home that year to be with my parents. i took the usual coursework and things happened per usual. i wasn’t supposed to go back that thanksgiving, but i did for some reason. probably knew it was ending, but didn’t think about it consciously. at that point, it was hospice and my mom has been given a chance to stay at the hospital or at home. she chose to stay at home. a hospice nurse came by the house and tended to her needs.

i remember planning my trip back home for christmas. my flight was on twa and there was a connection in st. louis. there was a snowstorm so there was delay. i missed my connection so i had to take the new flight home. my dad picked me up and i could tell he was about to cry. he held my hand and told me that my mom passed earlier that morning. 6:30 am on 12/19/99. we drove home in pretty much silence.

this type of thing doesn’t really affect people immediately. i guess for me anyway. it took time to sink in. like a bad dream of some sort. that day before i had come home, they took her away and most of the medical equipment, including her bed from the living room. it was a very somber time for our family, especially around the holidays.

christmas time has never been the same for our family. my dad hates it and i’d guess so does my sister. my sister never really talks about it much, but she seems to feel abandoned. she hung christmas lights in her room, and even put them up in her new room when my dad moved. my dad has never really been to show emotion, but he’ll talk about experiences or memories and you can tell.

for me, it was somewhat strange. i tended to bottle everything up and told my friends at school one time when i got back but nothing following. i’ve cried about it a few times, mostly right afterwards.

i visited her burial site once when we were there to put flowers on the graves of other family members. but i have never gone myself, nor do i think i will ever.

i have two paintings she did on my mantle and it’s a remembrance of her life. i like to think of it as a happy thing. remembering and being thankful that people were here. not being sad that they are gone.

in time, certain memories fade. but i am thankful that my dad has found someone else. i think it’s more comforting to know that they met in a grief group. her husband passed around the same time as my mom. her children have become like sisters to me. we do holidays together and i know that if i called they would be there for anything. and i would do the same.

the sad part is that i feel like i’ve lost and probably also let some relationships go. my mother’s family was spread throughout the state. most living in bakersfield or in the bay area. i haven’t seen or spoken to them in probably a year after her passing. i’m awkward enough as it is, but i feel like connecting would be strange.

but i feel like i should. they are family after all…

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Last updated August 31, 2015