Fully Loaded in Watching Life Fly By

I’m not pregnant. I got my period this past Wednesday and I’m not pleased. I know it was only month 1 of trying but it still is a huge disappointment. Mike was disappointed too. Praying for September to be my pregnancy month.

Work is going. I am overwhelmed but managing to keep going with a positive attitude. I need to get more organized but some of it is out of my control. I am teaching math which is rough for me since I do not now the curriculum and have to constantly check the Department of Ed. website to make sure I’m teaching all they need. The kids are rough but not nearly as rough as my old school. I pray I get them under control soon but it’s tough without a second teacher. I am the special ed. teacher but teaching a collaborative class by myself. I’m on my second substitute because administration decided the first one wasn’t able to handle the students, which was completely true. My coworkers are mostly nice and mostly helpful. I think once I have adjusted, I’ll be happier here than at my old job.

Chloe has tubes in her ears on the 28th of August. It went well. She hugged/patted the anesthesiologist nurse and went sweetly with him. She is cutting her top two front teeth. Her right one has cut the gum and the left one is just under the gum still. She’s miserable and has a snotty nose on top of it. My poor girl! She is trying to be happy.

I’m feeling fat and I’m frustrated. It doesn’t matter what I eat, my weight doesn’t change but my body shape has. I cannot really work out because my leg kills me but also I’m lazy, uncoordinated, unmotivated and insecure.

Dad had bad kidney stones and had a procedure to remove them. He had a ton of pain but he’s good now. Mom had her left knee replaced (last year was her right knee). She’s very swollen/sore but doing better than last year’s replacement. I feel bad I’m not there to help them but happy to avoid most of the whining my mom is doing. She is a VERY negative person and influences my sister and I to be negative. I am working harder to be a positive person and avoiding my mother is a good start.

Mike and I had a serious issue last weekend (Chloe’s 1st birthday). He drank too much and had liquor. He came home at 9pm and passed out. Long story short- he woke up and was screaming, “Fuck you, I’m going to fuck you up!” He peed all over our living room floor (hardwood thankfully), stripped down to his boxers and left his clothes in his pee, then was swinging a the door, walls, dog and the bed where I was curled up in a ball. He passed out again after I had called his mom to come get him. She helped me clean, sat with me an hour then left without him since he hadn’t moved. Shortly after he got up and ran into Chloe’s room and shaking her crib and screaming again. I pushed him and got Chloe from her crib and hid her in bed with me to calm us both down. He went and showered then passed out on the couch again. In the morning both dogs and Chloe were scared of him. I cried and explained what he did. There was a lot of silence that day and by the evening he was ready to talk a little. He told me how truly sorry he was and how he didn’t want to be the man. He cried, he hugged, he loved on me and he apologized. He got that I refuse to let Chloe ever see/feel that fear again. I will leave if I need to. I don’t want to and I don’t think he will be drinking again but I will take her and go if we need to. Her wellbeing is above all. He scared me that night, I was shaking and so was she. Never again will he scare us.