Rachel starts her new job on August 31, so we’re less than a month away. We’re going to drive out there together the week before, and I’m looking forward to that trip with her even though it’s also really sad to think I’ll be coming back to Boston alone.
In another piece of almost good news, but that still makes me sad, is that Guy gave his notice at the company both he and Jayson work for. They immediately asked if anyone was interested in applying for his position and Jayson stepped up. It’s not a sure thing that he’ll get it, but it’s a good possibility. There’s no doubt that Jayson is capable of it, and it’d be a really welcome increase to our income.
I cried with the bishop at church today about how much I just want everything to go back to how it was. He assured me that the repentance process can be slow but it works if I do my part. And I am doing my part, quite carefully and down to the letter of what he instructs me.
I literally begged Jayson for sex yesterday. I felt pathetic. I also felt like I was asking for something I knew wouldn’t happen. I shouldn’t be asking for sex when we’ve barely even touched each other since I cheated on him. I was trying not to cry, but I was still half-crying, and I think the exact thing I said was, “I need to make love to you. I need to feel that connection with you. It’s not about the physical act of sex, or the physical pleasure, it’s that I need to be naked and vulnerable with you. I need our bodies to touch and for me to share an act of love.”
We went into our bedroom, where I haven’t slept in over a month, and we made love. I feel awkward writing the details of it. But I’ll share a few things. After we joined the church we learned that although the official doctrine of the church really leaves what you and your husband do in your bedroom up to “as long as you don’t feel like you’re doing something God would disapprove of, it’s up to you,” many members interpret that to mean sex shouldn’t involve anything kinky. Many also include anal and oral sex as things that should be avoided. Jayson and I discussed this because we wanted to be good honest members of the church, and we agreed that we would stop anything that was overtly kinky, we wouldn’t have anal sex anymore, and we would at least limit oral sex. By that I mean I told him I’d still like to go down on him sometimes and he wasn’t going to say no to that.
Sex became all about vaginal penetration, and I thought I’d be bored by that. But I wasn’t at all. It’s interesting what happens when you focus on that one thing. So many new positions and techniques that we figured all, mostly by accident. To have 45 minutes of sex that was nothing but him inside of me seemed amazing at first. And I admit I’d sometimes be sore (even with three kids having stretched me out a bit....sorry…TMI) but much to my surprise our sex got less kinky and yet substantially better.
Yesterday we had sex for more than two hours. Nothing but penetration. I wanted something where I would feel like I made a real connection with, and I got so much more than that. It was the most intimate I have ever felt with anyone. I told him I love him about 100 times during sex. But afterward I wanted to say something more meaningful. I wasn’t sure if this was going to be a good thing to say or if it would kill the mood, but I said, “Please know that I never ever want anyone else to touch me in a sexual way ever again. I’m not going to make excuses for last time, but it’s never going to happen again.”
Jayson is very much a manly man. Kind of an interesting contrast in my family since it’s mostly made up of women and Guy (who is mildly effeminate). Jayson has cried three times in front of me, each happened when he was holding his newborn child for the first time. Yesterday after we had sex and I said those words to him, he had a tear rolling down his face and he was quiet for a long time, just holding me. Then he said he’s like me to start sleeping in our bedroom again.
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