im a bunch of emotions today. i really need to have a good cry and get it out of my system…
i had the demo lesson yesterday at the school that was far away. i loved it there. i felt very at home and felt like i clicked well with the other staff and the few students i saw. my lesson went well. my violin lesson went better than my general music lesson (i had to change what i was doing pretty much on the spot because i had 3 students instead of 10 and the song i prepared needed at least 6 kids to make it work) but overall it went well. i filled out an application and felt really good about the whole thing.
problem is the school is too far away. its an hour from where i live and my husband is not willing to move…nor can we really afford to move at the moment. i had to send the principal my references and my certification information this morning, so i let him know in the email that regardless of the decision, i would not be able to take the job. the commute is just too much. hubby and i talked more about last night and its just going to be too much. its already a lot for me at my current school. i thought i could possibly make it work, but dann gave me a reality check last night. its just too far. its a shame because i really liked it there and felt i could really grow as an educator there.
yup and here are the tears! hopefully i get this out of my system.
im just bummed. i feel like now im taking a step backward in my career. im not…im just not excited to go back to my current school. i felt like i was moving up in the world and i dunno…i felt like i could do it on my own, without help from an organization or anyone else. i felt like i was a well qualified professional and i havent felt like that before. they liked me for me and what i could do. its nice to know that my hard work has paid off and that other people outside of ETM and my teacher friends see my potential as an educator. i just kinda feel like im stepping back into this negative environment and this tough place where i need to prove myself every day. i didnt feel like i had to prove myself there. i dunno how else to explain it…
i did speak with my principal yesterday and she accepted my apology email. she said she greatly appreciated that and she knew where i was coming from. she also said shes 99% sure she can hire me, but cant give me a 100% guarantee yet. id be making $60,000/year (about twice what im making currently!) and i would be able to keep my partnership with ETM, which i am thankful for. i love my organization and would be sad to leave. but, it worries me about the budget, the fact that she still hasnt solidified anything, (she has another meeting coming up) and she told me that she had to fire another teacher (so now i know of 2 teachers that have been fired). so…it makes me worry about next year. but! maybe i can apply elsewhere and move on next year. that was the plan anyway…so maybe that will work once we have a little more money saved and can hopefully move next year.
still waiting on the school in my neighborhood. my husband thinks i should take that job no matter what. im not sure…im just tired and want something to pan out 100%.
im also freaking myself out about giving birth. yes…i have 4 months to go…but 2 of my friends gave birth in the last 2 days and im just thinking about it and freaking myself out. im a little annoyed that the birthing classes at my hospital are $200 and up! i didnt think theyd be that expensive. i dont know what to do about that. i think im just going to try to research some options and talk to my doctor at my next appointment. i need to just stop freaking myself out.
sigh ok i feel a little better now that ive cried a bit. gotta get in the shower and get to work. later!
~mana~
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