Jess's Place, 05/15/15 in Ryan

When the next week began, Jess asked me if I wanted to hang out on Friday. I often search for some random online hook-up on Fridays, so I was hesitant to pass that up, but I’ve had a good time with Jess so I agreed.

Then on Thursday she asked if there was anything in particular I wanted to do on our date. I’m not sure if she used the word “date” specifically to see if I reacted to it, or if it was just the word that came out of her mouth. But I did react, at least inwardly. All the talk from her about a relationship, and now she’s calling our night together a date, and I really started to wonder how seriously she was taking all of this. I was also wondering how serious I was taking it.

I answered her honestly, trying to see if my honest reaction disappointed her. I said, “Do you want to do anything more than just crawl into bed together?” She laughed. Like she thought I was joking. Then she said that was fine with her, but she’s also be open to going out to eat or seeing a movie. I told her dinner would be nice.

I found myself dressing more nicely than I normally would on Friday night. She picked me up at my place and we went to a cute candle-lit restaurant downtown. She was very flirty with me over dinner, talking to me in a way we didn’t normally talk. At one point I said something fairly inconsequential, and she laughed and said, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.”

I responded, “I want to do more than just kiss you.”

I was getting eager to just finish dinner and be alone with her. I was becoming more and more comfortable with the fact that I wasn’t casual sex with a woman. A year ago I wouldn’t have even considered that. Now I was not only about to have sex yet again with her, we were out on a date.

While we were still seated at the table, she asked if I had any plans for the following day. I said no. She told me that I was welcome to spend the night, and we could hang out in the morning. She had all these ideas for us to go to breakfast and a farmers market together. I told her I’d see how I felt, but it could be fun. She leaned in close and whispered that she just didn’t want us to be all about sex, she wanted to spend more quality time with me.

I admit I haven’t been pursued like this in a long time. I haven’t had anyone make it so clear that she wanted something so real with me. I had committed 2015 to fucking as much as possible, and here it was mid-May and I wasn’t really sure I was ready to change my plans.

I said, “I want to be upfront with you and let you know that I have other lovers.”

She said, “More than just Ryan?” and I nodded. She confessed that Ryan was the only other sexual partner in her life. Then she said, “But I’m totally willing to end it with him and just be with you.”

I started off in another direction. I knew she was asking me to make a similar commitment. This had gotten more serious than I wanted it to be. I said, “Does it bother you if I want to have sex with other people?”

She looked sad. I said, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I just think we’re rushing things a little. I still pretty much identify as straight, and you’re asking me to suddenly be in a lesbian relationship.”

I thought she was going to cry. She didn’t say anything. She was looking at her plate. I whispered, “I have real feelings for you. I want to be with you. I just don’t want to rush it.”

She looked a little bit happier when I said that. She responded, “I have feelings for you too. I’ve given this a lot of thought. I never imagined I’d be in a lesbian relationship, but I can’t deny how I feel about you. I want to be with you. I want to be your girlfriend.”

It was my turn not to say anything. After a moment of silence she said, “I don’t want to scare you away. I want to give you your space. But you need to know that I want this. I don’t want casual sex. I want a relationship.”

I paid for dinner and we went to her place. We had strangely passionate sex. Almost like make-up sex, although our argument had been extremely minor. I spent the night. In the morning we went out for breakfast and then to the farmers market. She kissed me on the street corner and I felt a little embarrassment, like maybe we shouldn’t kiss so publicly.

Back to her place and more sex. She was so sweet and tender in bed, touching me in such a loving way. So much different than a lot of the sex I have with people I meet online. We were sweaty and stuck together and she jumped up to turn the ceiling fan on. I admired her body as she did so, and then told her how beautiful I think she is. She cuddled up close to me and told me she loves me.