Mom Update in Earth and Sky

So. Mom is still at Providence. I haven’t spoken to her since Monday. Apparently she ended up getting transfered to Mercy for 24 hours due to an onset of pneumonia and received several treatments before returning to the psychiatric unit. The only reason I know any of this is because of my father and my grandmother. When I spoke to Mom on Monday, she was so drugged up that she couldn’t even complete a sentence. Crying about nothing, yelling at me about dad, claiming she hadn’t been moved and then saying she didn’t know why they moved her… I was so overwhelmed with everything I just hung up.

Shortly after that I made it very clear to both my father and my grand mother that I do NOT want to be in the middle of this anymore. I’m done reaching out to her and I don’t want to be informed of what’s going on. I have given her my cell phone number 3 times since she was admitted a week ago and have received only 1 phone call from her. If she needs to reach me so desperately (dad says she keeps asking about me) then she can call me. I’m not going to add any more stress to my day.

But my dad just doesn’t get it. Every time I talk to him, he ends the conversation with, “Well, if you could reach out to your mother…” and I have to cut him off every. single. time. Whenever mom goes through something like this, whether it was drugs or alcohol or whatever, dad seems to think that I have some magical cure to get her to change. He says things like, “Well if you could just talk to her she’ll listen to you.” or “Maybe if you write her a letter it’ll sink in.” And I’ve written letters. I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. I’ve cried and screamed and yelled and panicked and I’ve tried everything. Everything except cutting her out of my life. I’ve made threats and given her ultimatums and nothing ever works because she just calls my bluff. She knows that between my grandmother and my father, I didn’t have the strength to convince both them and myself that I don’t need her.

But that’s just the thing. I don’t need her.

What good is she, or has she, done for me in the past 6 years? What benefit have I had from trying to salvage a relationship with this shell of a woman that doesn’t even slightly resemble the woman that I called my mother? Aside from pain, heart ache, anxiety and stress, I have received nothing from her. Even now my phone is sitting in my purse and I am forcing myself not to check it for fear that there may be a phone call from her. What kind of living is that? It’s not. It’s barely surviving.

But I don’t know how to explain to my father that I want to be done with her. Every time I try he pretends to understand to avoid the conversation and then the next day mentions something about her and how I can help. He’s so co-dependent on this woman that he can’t see how miserable he is. He’ll make empty threats to leave her, to try and survive on his own, but it always comes down to needing her and her money. The both of them are on disability and dad can’t afford the mortgage on his own. He’d rather cohabitate miserably with a woman who is rapidly aging him rather than struggle for a little while to live happily on his own. It’s sad and terrifying. But it’s NOT my problem.

And that’s my issue. I can’t separate myself from this because I feel like it’s my responsibility. Deep down I know that I can’t fix/control any of this, but something inside of me is continuously begging me to try, and that something is years and years of emotional abuse and manipulation by both of my parents. I’ve got to learn to stand up on my own two feet and defend myself. Protect myself. Stand up for me.

I don’t know what’s going to happen when mom get’s out, but things are going to be different. Right now I’m focusing on staying calm and keeping a level head. I’ve got a great support system and plenty of people on my side who love and appreciate me. I’ve just got to learn how to harness that strength within myself.