Home in Earth and Sky

I just got home from camping about an hour ago. Tim has the guys over and I’m exhausted so I’ve secluded myself in the bedroom with my laptop, a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, and a glass of water. I’m going to take a nap soon.

The weekend was nice. Chelsey took me up to her Aunt’s camper in a wooded town nearby. We sat by a fire that I started all by myself for a majority of the afternoon until it started to rain around 4pm. I tried to calm my mind, not to stress and obsess over my mom and this whole fucked up situation. We drove down to this small little snack shack in town and I had fried chicken and spicy fries with cheese sauce. It was delicious. Once back at camp we settled into the camper for the night and watched about 6 episodes of Ghost Adventures. I fell asleep around 10:30.

Tossed and turned all night. The bed was so uncomfortable and my pregnant body made it even worse. I got out of bed around 8:30 and made us breakfast, and we cleaned up everything and watched some Bar Rescue. The mom called.

I was as kind as I could be. Between how tired I am both physically and mentally at this point I was in and out of tears but I never raised my voice and I never faltered on my point. She will sign a release form. I will speak with her nurses directly about the medications she’s on, and if I find out that she’s been taking the Oxycodone while there (which I know I will) I’m done with her. For good. That’s it.

She started crying to be about not knowing what’s it’s like to constantly be in pain and I just cut her off. I said that it’s AMAZING how all of this pain started once she was forced off of illegal drugs and how it only seems to creep up when she’d start naturally withdrawing. I said that she hasn’t given ANY alternative options a try, and if she’s not willing to, I’m not willing to trust her with my child. And I wont use him as a bargaining chip. You either shit or get off the pot, woman. You stop now or you don’t have a relationship with Oliver. Period.

She said she’d call me with the number to the nurses station and to tell me that she’d signed the release. That was 4 hours ago and I have yet to receive that call.

Oh well. My dad and my grandmother know how I feel and are both on my side. I’m done playing games. I’m done feeling bad. I’m done beating myself up over things I can’t change. This is her problem, her vice, and her addiction. It’s not going to be mine.

I’m just glad to be home. It was nice being away, and I am so grateful to Chelsey for putting up with all of this, but all I wanted all weekend was my own bed. I’m so fucking tired. Oliver and I are going to take a nap and Tim can wake me up later. I feel like I could cry and/or scream at any second. I need to sleep.

Meh.